So here’s a deep dark secret I’ve never shared before. I wish I were a man. Wait, hmmm, that didn’t come out right. I don't mean in a transgender kinda way, not that there's anything wrong with that. Alls I’m saying is that I think being a man would be soooo much better than being a woman, for like a million reasons. Here are ten of them:
1. So let’s begin with the most obvious one, okay? Hellllllo, I know it sounds disgusting but men don’t have to bleed out of their genitals once a month. I think I’d like that.
2. Can we talk bathing suits for a minute here? Are you kidding me? How is it fair that men get to wear these like totally comfy baggy shorts with a drawstring while women have to cram their body parts into triangles like the size of DiGiorno pizza slices?
3. Wahh wahhhhhh, I need a tissue! Yeah, that’s me watching a Disney movie, a Hallmark commercial, weddings, when I have to talk to my boss, etc etc etc. Men don’t do this.
ANNCR: Tonight on ABC news, a soldier comes home from Afghanistan and hugs his kids.
Awww shit, seriously? Thank God I bought like thirty boxes of Kleenex at Costco the other day.
4. Okay, here’s something men don’t do either. Carry an F’ing bowling ball around in their belly for like 9 months and then push that ginormous thing out of a tiny hole. My husband’s all like, I wish I knew what it was like to have our blessed bundle of joy kicking inside me. Really? You want to be an inside-out piñata for 9 months? I promise, you don’t.
5. DOCTOR TO A MAN: Here, I’ll just cup your nuts and you cough so I can check you out. Easy peasy.
DOCTOR TO A WOMAN: Here, put your feet in these totally nasty stirrups that like a million feet have touched so I can shove my lubed hand up your vajayjay and feel your ovaries. This might be a little uncomfortable.
Hmm, you think?
6. So here’s the shit women are expected to do around the house: pack the kids’ lunches, pick out their clothes, do the laundry, empty the lint filter, buy any birthday presents, wrap them, plan and shop for and cook dinner every night, make sure we don’t run out of essentials like toilet paper and diapers and milk and soap, pick out what classes the kids are taking, figure out how they’re getting there, remember that it’s bath night, shop for car seats, get their school supplies, put things on the calendar, arrange all play dates, change the nasty ass kitchen sponge, etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc.
I mean it’s not like men won’t help with all this stuff. It’s just that if you don’t explicitly tell them EXACTLY WHAT TO DO, you end up being like helllllo, he's the ring bearer, he can’t wear his fireman outfit with a princess crown and rain boots. But thanks for getting the kids dressed. Really, thanks.
7. WOMAN: (to her friend) I can’t believe you stole him from me. I’m never talking to you again!
And she didn’t. She held that grudge FOREVERRRRRRR.
MAN: (to his friend) I can’t believe you stole her from me. I’m going to punch your lights out!
And he did, but ten minutes later they were sitting at a bar having a beer together and talking sports.
8. Which leads me right into the next one. What do men talk about when they get together? Sports. Like how awesome would it be to always have like this one subject you can bond over with other guys. Women don’t have this. Makeup? BOR-ing. Shopping? BOR-ing. Oh wait, I know, like a huge portion of us can talk about getting our vajayjays ripped in half when we gave birth. And we do. Every. Time. We. Get. Together. How uplifting.
9. Okay, WTF? Guys can have like a 5 o’clock shadow and it’s all sexy, but I get a 5 o’clock shadow and I’m like aggggh, nooo, they better have a laser hair removal Groupon today (which they usually do). I mean when a guy has hair on his FUPA they call it a “happy trail.” When a woman has it they call it an “ewww, your hoo-ha hair is growing out of your underwear.”
10. And last but not least, dear God do you know how much I would pay to have a penis?! Oh, to be able to pee standing up— in the woods, when you're out on a boat, into a Gatorade bottle on a long road trip, when the park restroom is locked, in a porta potty that looks like a bad 80’s sweatshirt splatter-painted with fecal matter. I’m not ashamed to admit it. I WANT A PENIS!!!!!!
And there you go. There are like 999,990 more, but I have to pee (translation: I have to go hover above the toilet in Starbucks right now until my thighs burn).
To all of you who think I totally suck for saying it’s better to be a man, I promise to write a post sometime with ten reasons why it’s better to be a woman. Well, five. Maybe three. Fine, one. Wait, I’m not going to write a whole post about one reason. That’s stupid. So here it is now. If a man gets a zit, he has to walk around with it for the whole world to see. If a woman gets one, she can cover it up with some concealer. Now there's a reason to want to be a woman. Not. Oh and of course multiple orgasms. But the jury’s still out on whether that’s really better than one big one at the end.
Even if you don't think it would be better to be a man but you think this is kinda funny, please join my facebook page and follow me on twitta. And don't forget to look for my book when it comes out this October. Thanks!!
Filed under: Uncategorized