Okay, so some of you may remember about six months back I was sitting at Corner Bakery and I overheard two men talking (Sorry, I have to eavesdrop because my life is so ridiculously boring) about how they just got a dog and how this must be what it’s like to have a kid. Uhhh yeah, totally the same thing. Not. But you know, come to think of it, kids are an awful lot like dogs.
So here goes, eleven ways that kids are like dogs. Yeah, I know eleven’s a weird number but I was too lazy to narrow it down to ten.
1. So the other day the kids and I are playing (Holden’s got me in a chokehold and Zoey’s licking my legs with her nasty typhoid tongue because she thinks it’s hilarious) when suddenly he UPS guys knocks at the front door. Holy shit, it’s like I’m at Walmart on Black Friday. Stampeeeeeeeede!
ZOEY: SOMEONE’S HERE SOMEONE’S HERE SOMEONE’S HERE SOMEONE’S HERE!!!!!
HOLDEN: HERE HERE, YA YA YA YA YA YA YA, HERE, HERE!
And around and around and around they run in circles barking their heads off, just like a dog when the mailman arrives.
2. Awwww shit. Literally. Yup, there’s a big ole giant stinky log in the middle of the living room floor. And just after you get done scolding Rover, your rug rat comes over all cute and smiley and points at it and says, “Look, I made poopies!” Awesome.
3. HOLDEN: I found a Cheerio!
Never mind that it’s on the floor and it’s like 9,000 years old and was once wet and now it’s all shriveled and brown like a shrunken head with some hair on it. And suddenly with the flick of his tongue, he eats that shit straight off the disgusting floor without a care in the world. Just like a dog.
4. Awww, but he’s scared of the thunder. Sure, we’ll let you sleep in our bed, but just this once. And then you wake up at 3 A.M. with a foot jabbing through your eyeball. You have no idea if I’m talking about a kid or a dog right now. Case in point.
5. Mmmmmm, toilet water.
6. Sophie the giraffe. If you’ve had a kid in the last five years you know what I’m talking about. Sophie is this stupid squeaky teething toy that like every baby has these days. FYI people, she’s a dog toy. They just call her a teething toy and slap a 9 million dollar price tag on it, but she might as well be on the wall at PetSmart.
7. Kids and dogs have no qualms about pooping in front of complete strangers. Like a dog will just squat right in the middle of someone’s yard and drop one. And so will my child. Well, he won’t be naked, but I swear to God we could be meeting the Queen of England and right in the middle of bowing or curtsying or whatever he’s supposed to do he would whisper, “Pooping,” and his eyes would water up and his brow would knit and he’d drop a deuce right in front of her majesty no problem.
8. Okay, most of these examples totally suck ass, but this one is actually awesome. Neither of them give a shit what you look like naked. Cellulite, muffin top, saggy boobs, floppy elbows, all that shit, and they both still look at you with adoring eyes and say I love you Mommy. Well, my kid says “I wuv you” and my dog says “I ruv you,” but same difference, right?
9. If there’s mud, they will find it. I swear we could be in the middle of a drought and the only mud puddle in the entire world is in the middle of a broccoli farm 2,000 miles away, and my kid will find it, walk in it, walk all the way back to our house and manage to keep the mud on his shoes so he can totally F up my white carpet. And for all of you smart asses who think I’m a dumb shit for buying white carpet, I didn’t buy it. It came with the house and I refuse to change my carpets until my kids are old and moved out and by then we’ll probably all float on hover-shoes anyway. Anyways, kids and dogs will always find mud and bring it into your house.
10. They don’t knock on doors, they just barge in. Bathrooms, closets, bedrooms, wherever you are naked they will come in. And then they always leave the door open even when you have guests in your house, and then you’re sitting there on the toilet with your pants around your ankles and you can’t reach the stupid door to close it without dripping pee all over your legs so you just pray no one walks down that hallway right now.
11. Sometimes I see these parents at places like Disney World and they have their kid on a leash and I’m like, seriously? Isn’t that like child abuse? And then I’m like, noooo, that’s brilliant. Because when my kid is running like an F’ing maniac through the line at It’s a Small World, I would kill to put him on a leash. So all kids are like dogs, but only some parents are smart enough to put them on leashes.