Kate Middleton’s baby—the royal poop machine is coming

Holy crap, Kate is having the baby! I’ve been waiting for this day for soooo long. Yeah, I’m sure he or she is going to be like this totally adorable tiny little baby, but I also know something else this kid’s gonna be. A crying, shitting, screaming, spitting up, diaper-exploding poop machine. So how the F do you raise an unpredictable little rug rat to be royalty? I am so curious.

Like let’s say the kiddo is over at his granny’s for tea one afternoon and just as she’s pouring some English Grey and passing out some lovely scones and crumpets, the kid suddenly gets that look. The watery eyes, the bulgey vein, the grimace. Awwwww shit, guess who’s pooping. Yup, the royal rug rat is dropping a deuce right in front of your highness. God save the queen! Because here comes a tidal wave of poop smell.

And how the F is your highness supposed to act while he’s pooping? Watch him and smile like he’s not doing anything at all? Politely place her hanky over her nose? Or does some super nanny come whisk him away to a dark room in the middle of the palace where no one will see him conducting his business?

Or what if he pulls that shit while he’s standing on the balcony waving at the minions down below? Code brown, code brown, get that baby out of the public eye! No one can know that royals poop. I mean isn’t it kind of funny to think that Kate Middleton does sit on a toilet sometimes? See, she’s just like you and me. Granted it’s probably made of gold or heated or some shit like that, but yes, even princesses have to poop sometimes.

And guess what Kate, your days of pooping alone are O-V-E-R. Well, not really because I’m sure you have like a palace full of nannies to take care of the little bugger when you have to “go.” Just another reason I wish I were you.

Oh, and is Kate planning on breastfeeding the kiddo? I’m so curious. I mean the last time Kate went topless her royal tatas ended up on the cover of some rag mag, so surely she’ll wear a Hooter Hider. But what kind of Hooter Hider does a royal princess wear? Like did Bebe Au Lait bedazzle the shit out of one for her? Will there be knockoffs at H&M? And how much can they sell that thing for on ebay for once she weans the future king or queen?

Oh yeah, and speaking of breastfeeding, will Kate use a breast pump? ‘Cause there ain’t nothing more degrading on the face of this earth (bring on the comments) than hooking up like a mother-F’ing heifer to one of those things. But if anyone can make a breast pump look good, Kate can. For the love of momkind, Kate, pleeeeeeease can you show us how you style your breast pump?! Anything to make this shit less humiliating.

And here are like a thousand other questions I have. Well, not a thousand, but a helluva a lot.

  1. Do royal toddlers suck on the handrails in public places?
  2. How do you install the infant car seat into a royal coach led by horses? Like is there a Latch system in there?
  3. Do royal rug rats throw tantrums in the candy aisle at the superiormarket? FYI, I don’t know WTF they call supermarkets in England, but doesn’t superiormarket sound all hoity-toity and British?
  4. Do royal newborns get the same knitted hat as all the babies in the hospital or do they have one of those fancy English wedding hats decorated with ribbons and feathers and giant spears coming out of it?
  5. Do they put up baby gates in the palace and is the queen all like, “Awwww, shit really? I hate these F’ing gates.” I mean I doubt she says “shit” and “F’ing” out loud, but I’ll bet she does in her head.

Anyways, I could go on and on. I think I already have. But there you go. So good luck, Kate. Hope the birth goes well for you and you don’t poop on the table. Not that a princess would do that. Although I’m sure if you do, you’ll doo-doo it in style.

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Tags: Kate in labor, royal baby

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