Humping Mr. Baa Baa

So get this, my friend was telling me about this problem she’s having (and no, I’m not talking about myself but pretending like it’s my friend to make it less embarrassing, and if you’ve read my blog before you should know that because I’m like never too embarrassed to talk about my problems in front of thousands of random strangers. Wow, WTF is wrong with me?). But anyways, my friend is having this problem with her kid. (Woo-hooooo, for once I’m not talking about my own rug rats!)

So here goes, you’re not going to believe what her four-year-old is doing. Well, maybe you will because four-year-olds do all sorts of weird crap, but this one is really weird. She’s humping her stuffed animals. And not like rubbing on them a little bit. We’re talking full-on getting it on and having the “O” face with Mr. Baa Baa. FYI, I made that name up. I don’t know WTH her stuffed sheep's name is, but does it really matter? Humping stuffed animals is the kind of shit dogs do, not people. Although come to think of it, lots of the stuff kids do is just like dogs. Annnnnd there’s my next blog. But I digress. Imagine that.

So anyways, this has been going on for a while now, but the other day her daughter literally rubbed herself so RAW down there that she got a boo-boo on her hoo-hoo, so my friend finally had to suck it up and call her doctor to ask him what to do.

FRIEND: So doc, I have a question. My daughter is, well she’s, uhhhh, how do I say this? She’s, ummm, rubbing herself on her stuffed animals, you know on her (cough cough) private parts.

DOCTOR: Totally normal.

FRIEND: I don’t think you understand. Like she’s uhhh, HUMPING her stuffed animals. A LOT.

DOCTOR: Yup, totally normal.

FRIEND: No, like seriously, my daughter is masturbating on her stuffed sheep and totally getting off on it.

DOCTOR: Uh-huh like I said, normal.

FRIEND: Seriously?

DOCTOR: Seriously.

FRIEND: Well, what am I supposed to do?

DOCTOR: Just don’t make her feel bad about it and encourage her to do it in the privacy of her room.

FRIEND: Okay, thanks.

And this the point in her story when I stopped my friend and slapped her and said WTF kind of doctor are you seeing?! Because this is not okay. This is wrong. First of all, masturbating on your stuffed animals is not totally normal. Even if like millions of kids do it. Humping an inanimate object may be the norm, but it is NOT NORMAL. Can’t you just picture the kids sitting around the lunch table one day in junior high?

TIANA: I got to second base with Michael last night. He’s such a good kisser.

BELLE: Well, I dry humped Mr. Cuddle Bear. I mean he didn’t kiss me back because he’s a stuffed animal but I had like six orgasms.

And that’s when the lunch table falls silent and all you can hear is everyone chewing their food and not another word is said, and Belle has to find a new lunch table to sit at the next day, only everyone in the school has now heard about her stuffie fetish so she never eats lunch with anyone again, and she has to find a toilet stall to sit in and eat her sandwich that’s just a slice of bologna on bread because that’s how sad her life has become.

And second of all, seriously? My friend is supposed to tell her daughter to go to her room and do it privately? She’s four!

FRIEND: Hey sweetie, if you want to masturbate, can you please go to your room to do it? It’s really not polite to have an orgasm in front of the living room window.

But truth be told, I don’t know WTF my friend is supposed to do about this. I mean I guess she could tell her not to masturbate anymore, but then you know she’s gonna have all kinds of sex issues when she’s older. Or you could tell her to have a ball and hump away, but then you know she’s gonna have all kinds of sex issues when she’s older. Aggggh, there really is no good answer. And this is why four-year-olds suck. Because there are no good answers.

P.S. I’m totally buying my friend’s daughter a stuffed unicorn for her birthday. You know, in case she’s feeling horny. It’s just too funny to resist.

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