Holy crap, Disney's newest princes are gay. Finally!!!

So the other day we’re driving in Chicago when my daughter points out the window.

ZOEY: Look a rainbow flag!

Now Zoey is at the age that she is like ridiculously into rainbows. Like if you ask her what her favorite color is right now she’ll answer rainbow. The first time she said it I was like, “Rainbow is not a color” and she burst out in tears, so now I just nod my head and pretend like rainbow is in fact a color even though it’s not. Saying rainbow is your favorite color is like if someone asks you what do you want to drink and you answer, “Coke, 7Up, root beer, gingerale, lemonade, Dr. Pepper and milk.

Anyways, Zoey says, "Look a rainbow flag," and this is how I answer.

ME: Yeah, it’s to support gay people.

ZOEY: What is gay?

Awww shit, did I seriously just open that can of worms? Awww shit, why do I think explaining the meaning of gay is a can of worms? What I should be thinking is why the F does my kid not know what gay is yet? I mean Disney has been ramming heterosexuality down her throat since the day she was conceived. So I should be totally psyched that I have a natural opening to start this conversation with her.

Anyways, this is how I explain it.

ME: Gay is when a man loves a man.

ZOEY: (puzzled look)

Of course she could just be puzzled because she’s thinking about something else by now like why the F is Caillou bald or some shit like that, but I think she heard me.

ME: Like if a boy loves a boy, he’s gay. Or if a girl loves a girl, she’s gay.

ZOEY: (a tiny bit less puzzled, but still not there yet)

ME: Fine. You know how in your Disney books a princess loves a prince? Well, sometimes a princess loves a princess. Or a prince loves a prince.

ZOEY: Like Flynn Rider?

ME: No, Flynn Rider isn’t gay. He married Rapunzel.

ZOEY: Prince Eric?

ME: No, he married Ariel.

WTF? Why does everything have to be about Disney? But fine, whatever, you want an example kid? Since Disney ain't gonna give you one, I am. Here goes:

Once upon a time there was a prince named Gaylord.

Once upon a time there was a prince named Gaylord.

Prince Gaylord always dreamed of meeting that one special person to fall in love with.

Prince Gaylord always dreamed of meeting that one special person to fall in love with.

Until one day Prince Gaylord got to go to a big fun parade called Gay Pride where there was loud music and giant floats and lots of people who were just like him. Prince Gaylord looked around hoping he might finally meet his true love.

Until one day Prince Gaylord got to go to a big fun parade called Gay Pride where there was loud music and giant floats and lots of people who were just like him.

And then suddenly Prince Gaylord saw someone sitting high atop one of the parade floats.

Prince Gaylord looked around filled with hope that he might finally meet his true love.

And then suddenly Prince Gaylord saw someone sitting high atop one of the parade floats.

And then suddenly Prince Gaylord saw someone sitting high atop one of the parade floats.

He was strong.

He was sexy.

He was sexy.

He was Prince Sergio. And he spotted Prince Gaylord in the crowd.

He was Prince Sergio. And he spotted Prince Gaylord in the crowd. And he was smitten.

Prince Sergio tried to impress Prince Gaylord every day.

Prince Sergio tried to impress Prince Gaylord every day.

And Prince Gaylord did lots of things to impress Prince Sergio too.

And Prince Gaylord did lots of things to impress Prince Sergio too.

Until one day Prince Sergio asked Prince Gaylord for his hand in marriage. And Prince Gaylord said yes.

Until one day Prince Sergio asked Prince Gaylord for his hand in marriage. And Prince Gaylord said yes.

They moved up North to a state where they were allowed to get married.

They moved up North to a state where they were allowed to get married.

And then the exciting day came.

And then the big day came.

Prince Gaylord’s father and his father’s twin walked him down the aisle.

Prince Gaylord’s father and his father’s twin walked him down the aisle.

And they said, “I do” and lived happily ever after. The End.

And then they both said, “I do” and Prince Gaylord and Prince Sergio lived happily ever after. The End.

ME: And that, Zoey, is what gay is.

ZOEY: Why is Caillou bald?

ME: I have no F'ing idea.

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