Holy crap, have you seen these things?! Breast milk lollipops. I shit you not. Breast milk! Who the hell needs good ole sour apple when you can have breast milk flavor, right? Wrong. Like really really wrong. But apparently this company in Austin, Texas thinks there’s a need for this. I mean I have nothing against breast milk, but wait, yes I do when it’s in a lollipop. Anyways, I have like 9,000 thoughts about these suckas, but I’ve managed to narrow it down to 14. Here goes:
1. ‘Cause that’s what I want to be reminded of when I have a piece of candy. Sucking on my mom’s nipples.
2. Don’t you just love how candy can make you feel young again? Like the good ole days when you came out of your mom’s vagina.
3. GUY: Ewwww, mine tastes like the mother ate Indian food or something.
GIRL: That’s better than mine. She must have eaten broccoli or garlic because I’ve had the farts all morning.
4. So I’m guessing the developers had to drink a lot of breast milk to get the flavor right. Blagggh! I mean, when I was breastfeeding I had that one random moment when I was like what does this taste like and I barely dipped my pinky in and then touched it to my tongue but my heebies jeebies reflex kicked in and I was like uhhh, yeah, that’s disgusting, never again.
5. MOM 1: Hey look at that, they work! I gave my kid a breast milk lollipop and she stopped screaming!
MOM 2: Yeah, I'm pretty sure any F'ing lollipop would do that.
6. BANK TELLER: Would your kids like a lollipop?
MOM: Depends, is it breast milk flavor?
7. Warning, side effects may include screaming your head off, sleeping a lot, and crapping your pants.
8. Are you F’ing kidding me? Who gave my kid a breast milk pop-pop? I weaned him like four years ago, but now he keeps trying to suck on my funbags again. Ewww, Mikey, stop that!
9. WILLY WONKA: Well, whatta you think?
CHARLIE: Mmmmm, this one reminds me of something, but it’s driving me crazy. I can’t place it.
WILLY WONKA: Ha, it’s your mother’s titties!
10. You know those jackasses who dump your entire candy bowl into their sacks on Halloween because you left it on your porch? I’ve got three words for them this year. Breast milk lollipops.
11. What to call them, what to call them. Hooterpops, tittypops, boobie bombs, knocker suckers. You really can’t go wrong.
12. HARRY POTTER: Yuck, I thought the vomit every flavor bean was bad, but this one sucks ass.
RON WEASLEY: Yeah, let’s rewrap it in the vanilla wrapper and trick Hermione.
13. Someone get me a lactation consultant, STAT! I can’t get a latch on my lollipop.
14. I hear it’s just the first in a new line of bodily fluid candies. Next up, semen suckers. Hmmm, yeah, I guess I can see why they started with breast milk.
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