Hey, did you hear about this shit? This couple has decided to travel to Hawaii where they can do what’s called a dolphin-assisted birth. Go ahead and click on the link if you don't believe me, I could not make this shit up. Yeah, I can see why they might they might think giving birth in the raging ocean with large mammals swimming around them might be peaceful. Not. Anyways, I had a few thoughts about this:
1. WTF? WTF? WTF?
2. So apparently they’ve hired a midwife in case the dolphin-assisted birth doesn’t happen. Just in case the slimy fish-like mammal can’t deliver our baby, we’ve hired a human as backup. Uhhhh, yeah, that makes sense.
3. I can’t imagine why a dolphin couldn’t deliver her baby. Hmmm, I don’t know, could it be mayyybe because DOLPHINS DON’T HAVE HANDS?!!!
4. WOMAN: Want to help us in the dolphin-assisted birth?
MIDWIFE: Dude, I’m a little granola but I ain’t cray cray.
5. People who do stuff like this also believe in shit like unicorns and mermaids. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Wait, yes, EVERYTHING is F’ing wrong with that. Are people like this allowed to breed?
6. I sure as hell hope that one day these parents tell their baby how they gave birth to him in the water with dolphins and he’s like, “That is so F’ed up,” and he moves to New York and becomes an investment banker or some shit like that.
7. How exactly does a dolphin check to see how dilated you are? Never mind, I don’t want to know.
8. Dude, I hope the dolphin institute doesn’t make her wear one of those stupid paper gowns. ‘Cause that shit ain’t gonna look good in pictures.
9. Dear God, pleeeeease let them be recording this for a video on YouTube. Or America’s Funniest Home Videos.
10. DOCTOR: This is your last chance. Would you like an epidural?
WOMAN: Nahhh, just pass me another hit of acid.
11. I didn’t even know dolphins could become OBGYNs. I mean dentists sure, but OBs? Really?
12. ‘Cause that’s what you want to do. Go bleed in the water. Duh, didn’t you see Jaws lady?
13. Now introducing SeaWorld’s newest act! We strongly recommend you do not sit in the splash zone.
14. POLICE OFFICER: Maybe the dingo ate your baby.
WOMAN: Actually no, it was a dolphin. About 4 seconds after I gave birth to it.
15. DOLPHIN: Eeee eeee click. Wow, check out the size of your blowhole right now! Click click.