Okay, have you seen the shit the CEO of Abercrombie & Fitch said? If you haven’t and are a motivated person, here’s an article about it. But if you’re lazy (like me), I’ll sum it up in a nutshell.
Nutshell version: So this dickwad CEO Mike Jeffries says that Abercrummy doesn’t carry XL or XXL for women because A&F doesn’t want fat women wearing their clothing. I shit you not. He says that only popular, cool, good-looking people should be able to shop there. I AM NOT EXAGGERATING. If you don’t believe me, read the article. My blood is boiling so F’ing hot right now, it’s literally shooting out of the hair follicles on my head.
In fact, for the rest of this post I’m not even going to call him Mike Jeffries. From this point forward, he will be referred to as Fartface McDouchebag. And I will probably use more profanity than usual (yes, it is possible) because I am so fucking mad about this. So here is a bunch of shit I neeeeeeed to say about this.
1. I don’t care if my kid is the mother-F’ing captain of the cheerleaders one day. I will tackle her ass to the ground and embarrass the shit out of her in front of all her friends if she EVER tries to step foot in this store.
2. I’ve always wanted to pull a mission impossible and sneak into A&F to dismantle their nauseating cologne machines. Now I’d rather dismantle their CEO.
3. I’ve seen a lot of people bash Farty McDouchebag’s looks over the past few days but here’s the thing, I ain’t gonna do that. Because it’s not right to judge ANYONE by the way they look on the outside. Beauty is on the inside. And judging by your insides Farty McDouchebag, you sir, are the ugliest human being I have ever seen. If you can be called that.
4. Yo dickhead, see these people. They’re more in the “in” crowd than you’ll ever be.
5. Without larger sizes, how the hell is A&F going to clothe all of their customers who get preggers after wearing their shit?
6. Someone suggested that all of the overweight kids should flood the A&F stores and just hang out there. I completely agree. But I also think they should be NAKED!!! Ohhhh, we’re so sorry skinny saleslady. If only you sold something in our size we wouldn’t have to stand here with our FUPAs all hanging out ruining all the aesthetics of your store. And the best part about it is that no one outside of the store would know what was happening until they came inside and were surrounded by nakedness because of those dumb ass wooden blinds.
7. What really pisses me off about this is that I believe that Farty McDouchebag totally meant to get people riled up with his comments. He knows that the more parents say no, the more kids want to wear this shit. So don’t tell your kids no. Tell them if they spend a single dime in Farty’s store, you’ll be dressing them from now on. In this.
That’s right Fartface McDouchebag, you need to go F yourself. Because here are some of the places kids already feel excluded: the lunchroom, recess, birthday parties, on the internet, in class, at college, etc etc etc. So you, jerkface, have added one more place to that list. You’re nothing better than one of those jockstrap a-holes who says you can’t sit at our lunch table. Actually, correction, you’re worse. Because you’re a grownup. So grow the F up and apologize to all the self-esteems you just stomped on. When you do, then maybe I’ll change your name back to Mike Jeffries. Nahhh, F that, you’ll have to work your way back up to your real name. First you’ll be Tooty McDipshit.
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