When I first had my daughter I used to look in the mirror and wonder how on earth my right arm didn’t look like one of those scary-ass body builder’s with all those veins popping out and shit. I mean the amount of time I put towards swinging my little poop machine in that infant car seat to get her to go to sleep, back and forth and back and forth, holy shit, I thought my arm would fall off. For the love of God, child, GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP!
(And yes, I know I wasn’t supposed to let my baby sleep in the car seat, but F that. I would have let her go to bed in a field of landmines if it meant she would actually sleep.) (Wow, did I seriously just write a whole parenthetical paragraph?)
And then when she’d finally close her eyes and drift of into a peaceful slumber, a neighbor like five houses down would drop a pin or something and guess whose eyes would pop open again. Hi Mom! Whatcha doin’? Let’s play! And by play I mean wahhhhhhhhh!
So when we were about to have our second child (shameless plug for an old post: Going from one kid to two is uhhh, how do I say this, let me see, hell) we were like holy shit, how the fuck do you get two kids to sleep? Don’t they like constantly wake each other up? So I did what I swore I’d never do (story of my life). I went out and bought each kid a sound machine.
Before I had a baby I’d always say stupid shit like, “Nooo, I’ll never have a sound machine. My kids need to learn to sleep with noise.”
And now that I actually have a kid and know what the fuck I’m talking about, this is what I’m like. Sometimes I leave my poop in the toilet because I’m too scared to flush and wake the baby, and I just pray that later I’ll remember to flush it before someone else finds it.
So sound machines it is.
Since I had a Bed Bath and Beyond coupon (which just makes things at BBB cost the same price as Tarjay so I don’t know why I don’t just shop at Tarjay all the time), I got our newborn this sweet little sound machine that plays everything from rain to the ocean waves to rockabye-baby over and over and over again until you wish you were on a Criminal Minds episode getting your ears sawed off by some van-driving psychopath. But seriously, I think if you play this sound for your baby every night, there’s a good chance that your kid will grow up to BE this crazy psychopath who saws ears off.
And then since I had another coupon (even though it says you can only use one coupon at a time, that's a total lie because if they stuck to that people would just go through check out like a thousand times) I splurged and bought my daughter this Sharper Image sound machine with like 20+ sounds on it thinking she’d enjoy picking one out to listen to. Oooh, this will be fun!
WTF was I thinking? We started to scroll through the different sounds.
ME: White noise?
ZOEY: Make it stopppppp!
It was like she was that Poltergeist girl and she was scared shitless the TV was going to suck her in again. Hmmm, now that I think about it maybe she is that Poltergeist girl reincarnated. That would explain so much. (Note to self, look up date Poltergeist girl died and see if it was Zoey’s birthday.) But I digress. Back to the sound machine.
ME: How about this one? The ocean?
ZOEY: No, there are sharks.
Ummm, I’m pretty sure there are no sharks on the sound machine, and besides, what sound would a shark make? Raaahhhhhhh?! Or the Jaws theme song maybe?
ME: How about a train?
Chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga CHOOOOOO CHOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Holy fuck, did you ever play that game at sleepover camp when someone’s sleeping and you put a flashlight in front of their face and tell them a story about a train that’s going to run them over and then you wake them up quickly and the light is shining straight in their eyes like the train is about to mow them down and they shit a brick and have a heart attack and pee their bed all at the same time and then the next day you all laugh about it and make friendship bracelets and sing kumbaya like nothing happened? This train sound is basically that, minus the laughing and kumbaya and friendship bracelets.
Anyways, we both agreed the train was not the right choice. So I scrolled to the next one.
ME: Nope, you don’t want that one.
Shit shit shit, I realized my mistake right away. You never say, “You don’t want that one.” It’s basically daring them to say yes I do
ZOEY: I do! I do!
Kill me now.
Yo Hitchcock, you think your birds were menacing? That ain’t nothing.
You know when it’s spring and there’s that one damn bird sitting outside your window tweet tweet tweeting at like the butt crack of dawn and all you want to do is lean out your window with an AK47 and blow him to smithereens? Now multiply that times a thousand.
Once when I was in college the girl who lived in the room next door to me put Whitney Houston’s I Will Always Love You on repeat and then left her room and I had to listen to it for like 11 hours straight. What I’m going through now is worse. Yes, for 18 months, every night at 7:30 our house turns into an F’ing Cinderella movie with birds tweeting all night lonnnnnngggg.
I shit you not, you can hear them in every single inch of the house. Babysitters come over and they’re like what the F is that? And I’m like shit, honey, we have to give her a bigger tip or she’ll never come back. Which will probably happen anyway when my kids are total assholes to her.
And then sometimes in the morning my daughter wakes up and comes downstairs only she forgets to turn off her birds so I have two choices. I can trek upstairs and leave my cereal to get soggy and taste like ass when I get back, or I can lay (lie???) my head on the cutting board and slice off my ears.
Anyways, here is a video of the sound machine from hell in case you’re curious.
Yeah, you’re observant. There are no numbers anymore. Which doesn’t really matter because my daughter can’t tell time yet, but does matter when the alarm is set but you have no F’ing idea that it’s set until the birds stop and it’s blaring DEE DEE DEE, DEE DEE DEE, DEE DEE DEE in the middle of the night and your kid is having a conniption, pooping her pants and screaming WHERE ARE MY BIRDS at the top of her lungs.
Which of course wakes up her brother. So this is awesome. Basically I bought my kid a sound machine that makes it harder to sleep in our house and makes everyone want to stab out their eardrums. Mother. Of. The. Year.
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