A letter to myself when I was single (and better looking, and wore thong underwear, and smelled better)

Dear Me when I was single and childless,

Ohhh man, I remember what it was like to be you. Nuking a Lean Cuisine and sitting alone at the dining room table that was purposely positioned in front of the TV so you wouldn’t have to eat dinner alone. Now you may think I’m being sarcastic but I AM NOT when I say those were the good ole days. You just don’t know it yet.

Dinner then: Exactly what you want to eat in front of a TLC marathon with a glass of vino.

Dinner now: A constant battle of you better fucking eat what I made you or you’re not getting dessert for the rest of your life.

And I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking if you don’t find a hubster soon, your uterus is going to spontaneously combust at 40 and you’ll never experience the many joys of parenthood. Joys? Bwahahahaha! Just kidding. Kind of.

But here’s the thing I want to tell you. Stop freaking out. ‘Cause even IF you don’t meet the right person in time to have some little rug rats, it IS NOT the end of the world. I know you think it is, but I’m telling you, it’s not. Don’t get me wrong. I LOVE my hubby and my poop machines to death, and I wouldn’t give them up for the world now that I have them, but there are also some seriously awesome advantages to being childless. It’s a different life than you always expected, but different isn’t bad. It’s just different.

Like you know how you like nice restaurants and make fun of people who eat at Applebee’s and shit? If you have kids you WILL become one of them. I know you say you won’t, but you will. Because basically you have two choices once you have kids. You can eat at home every night and use a dustbuster under the table and wonder how often you have to empty the dustbuster so the food doesn’t start to spoil and reek inside it, or you can go to a crappy restaurant that doesn’t mind that your kids have done “the wipers on the bus go swish swish swish” to every fucking piece of food on the table. Or rather off the table.

And you know those awesome Saturdays you have when you just stroll from store to store leisurely looking for who-knows-what and then end up running into some friends so you decide to eat lunch together and it turns into hours of drinks and relaxed conversation? (Yes, that was one sentence. Sue me.)  Once you have kiddos you can say sayonara to awesome shit like that.

And you know how people tell you to do a lot of traveling now so you get it out of your system before you have kids? That’s such a fucking myth. It’s not gonna matter because traveling just makes you want to travel more. And unless you become the next Jolie-Pitts, it ain’t gonna happen. Basically once you have kids you have to live vicariously through your kidless friends on facebook who travel all over the world, and while a few dumbasses might pity them and their childless lives, most of us are drooling with jealousy.

So will you miss out on some awesome shit if you don’t meet Mr. Perfect and push some eight-pound bowling balls out your hoo-ha? Sure. But you’ll also get to experience some truly amazing stuff instead, like the power to sleep in past 6am. And the power to live on the beaches of Fiji for a while. And the power to not worry 1440 minutes a day that someone is going to get hit by a car, or choke on a pebble, or lose an eye. And the power to drive whatever the fuck you want. And the power to have nipples that look like nipples, and not wrinkly things that need to be ironed. And the power to take a poop without someone looking behind your tush to see what fell in the toilet. And the power to sit on your ass for entire Saturday watching a shitty marathon on Bravo if you want. This paragraph could go on for years, so I’ll stop there. You get the picture.

So I guess the bottom line is, stop freaking out. Life is going to be amazing whether or not you meet the right guy in time to have kids. Because you’ll make the most of it either way. And it’s going to be full of some awesome shit.

Love, You (but not as good looking because I have kids, and don’t sleep, or put on makeup, or work out, or shower too often)


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