I Have A Dream, by Baby Sideburns

Yo MLK, Can I call you that? Shit, you can’t even answer me can you? Damn that a-hole who ruined it for everyone. F’ing party pooper. Anyways, I have to say how much I admire you. While I’m still a little pissed that my main woman Hillary isn’t sitting in the oval office, I’m pretty damn happy with the guy who’s there. And lord knows he wouldn’t be there if it weren’t for the awesome shit you did.

Yeah, you rock. And as a writer I have to say that you made some pretty kickass speeches when you were around, so I hope you don’t mind if I borrow a little something you wrote.

Please know that this is in no way meant to offend anyone and is totally meant to pay homage to your amazingness. Anyways (reee-rooo, reee-rooo, look out, here come the fake word police!) here goes. (Picture a 5’1 woman with a unibrow and fat pants reading this as she stands at the changing table up to her elbows in poop.) I have a dream, by Baby Sideburns:

Let us not wallow in the valley of despair of parenthood, I say to you today, my fellow moms and dads.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all parents are treated like shit.

Even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow and every F’ing day until our kids are 18 and we have the right to kick them out, I have a dream.

I have a dream that one day Mattel will figure out how to install an on-off button in our kids, or at least a volume control.

I have a dream that Britax will invent a car seat with straps that don’t twist, and a buckle you don’t need to be double-jointed with abnormally strong thumbs to undo.

I have a dream that my daughter will never hate me,

That my son will never need stitches,

That my husband will always put the seat down and change the toilet paper roll and won’t purposely leave one sheet so he doesn’t have to.

I have a dream that the president will veto daylight savings. I don’t know if he’s even allowed to do this, but this is my dream.

I have dream that I will win the lottery, even though I never play,

And that Tarjay will accidentally forget to bill me.

I have a dream that evolution will one day allow moms to close their ears and their nostrils too. 

I have a dream that my daughter will let me leave the baby monitor in her room until she’s eighteen, and a virgin, and studying to become a nun. Even though we’re Jewish. 

I have a dream that perfect moms will keep their mouths shut or better yet fess up that they’re really depressed and lying.

I have a dream that the next time my daughter throws a tantrum in public that the ground will open up and swallow me and that in that hole there will be a spa where I can get my nails done and a massage until my daughter is done screaming.

I have a dream that one morning I’ll come into my kitchen and the purple dots on the ceiling from my son’s smoothie will magically be gone.  

I have a dream that the next time I go out for drinks, my kids won’t sense it and wake my ass up in the middle of the night and/or early the next morning,

And that I won’t feel the need to put my cell phone on the bar when I’m out.

I have a dream that I will get back my porn star breasts without breastfeeding a piranha again,

And that I’ll magically fit into my old jeans and not have to unbutton them under the table when we go out to dinner,

And that there will be less food on the floor than there is on the table when we’re done eating.

I have a dream that someone will offer to ride in my car at all times so they can stay with my kids while I run inside to the following places: the dry cleaners, the grocery store, Starbucks, Canyon Ranch.

I have a dream that my kid will never want a fish again. Or a gerbil or a guinea pig or even a stuffed animal.

I have a dream that someone will throw a switch one day and that the dryer at the end of the carwash will turn into a giant vacuum and suck out every goddamn Cheerio from every single crack in my minivan,

And I have a dream that someone will invent a minivan that looks like a Porsche.

I have a dream that one day I will be able to eat my muffin top and that it will be lemon-poppy seed-flavored,

And that someone will tell me if I have any poppy seeds in my teeth.

I have a dream that one day in the year 2030 when my son is packing up his last suitcase and stepping out of this house to go to college (even though he is required to call once a day and to come home to see me at least once a week) that then and only then will my hubby and I be able to sing:

Free at last! Free at last!

Thank God almighty, we are free at last!

Did I say 2030? Are you F’ing kidding me? Holy shit is that a long time from now.

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