Don't believe what you see on facebook, twitter, pinterest, or google + (for people who are way cooler than I am and know WTH that even is)

Dear friend who told me tonight that she’s getting divorced,

First let me say that I really enjoyed catching up. Please can we not let six months pass again without talking?

But here’s the thing. We discussed a lot of things, and I just don’t get it. I mean, I follow you online religiously and I find it hard to believe your life is falling apart like you say. You’re in my facebook newsfeed alllll the time and things look great. Dare I say perfect?

Like there’s that profile picture of you and your hubby hugging and all smiley and shit on the beach with the sunset behind you. You guys look like you’re even more in love than you were at your wedding. I see your pics and I’m like, I want to be them. You say you’re getting divorced, but surely you are exaggerating.

And whatta you mean your kid was expelled? I saw that adorable picture of him you posted on Pinterest, the one where he’s wearing the cute pajamas and kissing his sister. That cutie pie is way too happy to be a juvenile delinquent.

And all those money problems you mentioned tonight? Sheesh, I find THAT hard to believe. I mean it looks like you guys are constantly on vacation. All I see are pictures of you in Bermuda and Italy. Do you go to work like EVER?!

From what I see, the last six months of your life look pretty damn perfect.

But hmmm, wait a sec, I just had a thought here. You mean you don’t post YouTube videos of the screaming fights you have with your husband? And what about the picture of your son’s awesome graffiti wall he painted on the school without permission? I must have missed that one on Pinterest. And you never have tweets like “sitting in my cubicle right now crying because my misogynistic asshole boss just tore me a new one.” And what about a picture of you when you had that giant zit that made you look like a unicorn? Did you forget to post it? Or maybe I just missed it.

Oh well, I guess I’ll have to go find someone else to be jealous of on facebook. It seems like there are so many happy people with perfect lives to choose from!

Anyways, miss you tons and let’s catch up again soon!

Love,

Your friend whose butt never looks big, at least in the pictures I post on facebook

P.S. If you like reading stuff like this, I'd love to have you join my facebook page or follow me on twitter @Baby Sideburns where I try to post other funnyish stuff all day long.

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