How the F do you spell matzah and holy shit can a baby be racist?!!!

So a couple of weeks ago we’re at a restaurant waiting for my hubby to pay and my kids’ faces are all smushed against the glass where the desserts are, when the guy behind the counter asks if we want anything. I kindly say no thank you because my daughter only ate like 1/16th of a matzah ball for dinner (Oh yeah spell check, then how the F do you spell matzah? Or is it just one of those Jewish words like dreidel that you also say is a misspelling? Did you know that spell check is anti-semitic? Oy vey, now it’s saying semitic is a misspelling. Who the hell created you? Hitler?)

Anyways, my daughter only ate like 1/16th of a matzah ball for dinner and my son ate a Splenda packet. Or rather sucked on it until it disintegrated into his mouth when we weren't looking. Oh and he also had a bite of a crayon. If it were a green crayon I'd consider giving him a cookie for effort, but it was red. So no dessert for either kiddo which sucks, but sucks a lot less than dessert for one and not the other.

The guy behind the counter is smiling and waving at Holden, but little H is totally giving him the stink-eye. So the guy finally says something about it to me.

GUY: You need to take him out to see more black people.

Screeeeeech! WHAT?! Aww man, you just had to go there, didn’t you? WTH do I say to that? The way I see it I have a few choices.

  1. Oh, I hadn’t noticed you were black
  2. Babies are colorblind (probably not true once they’re 16 months, but who gives a shit, it sounds scientific)
  3. The truth

I think we all know which one Baby Sideburns would go with. Uhhhh, did I just talk about myself in the third person? I hate when she does that.

So here’s the recap.

MAN: You need to take him out to see more black people.

And here’s my response.

ME: Believe me, I’ve been trying.

My husband had just finished paying and heard the tail end of the conversation and just about coughed up a whole matzah ball (aggggh, I get it spell check, but I’m too F’ing lazy to look it up. Enough with your stupid squiggly red lines already! I feel like I do when the GPS lady is yelling at me.)

But here’s the thing, I didn’t mean to say anything controversial. I was just telling the guy the truth. There is like ZERO diversity in our suburb. And what the heck am I supposed to do about it?

  1. Convince some minorities to move here? I couldn’t even convince majorities to move to this boring hell hole, uhhh, I mean this really nice place to raise a family.
  2. Take my kiddos to the Lincoln Park Zoo in the city and say, “Hey guys, look at that amazing tiger! Oooh, and there’s a black lady!”
  3. A friend of mine told me she has an African-American friend with a daughter she could introduce my kids to, but that just seems wrong too. Like, “Hey lady, we’re here to play with your black child.”
  4. Move back to the city. Believe me, I would want nothing else, but let’s just remember that I didn’t even have enough motivation to look up the word matzah.

Anyways, the truth is Holden had been acting fussy all day and the color of this man’s skin had absolutely nothing to do with it. If it did, I'd kick my kid's ass. Not really, but we'd have a pretty intense conversation. Plus, both of my kids are like the Olympic medal world champions of stink-eye-giving. I've taught them so well. And if there's one thing I've made sure of, it's that they are always equal opportunity stink-eye-givers. Of course, there’s still one person in the world they give it to more than anyone else. Yours F’ing truly. Imagine that.

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