The evolution of a zit

MONDAY

Hmm, what’s that bump on my chin? Well, I won’t touch it and we’ll see what happens. I’m just gonna touch it once to see how big it feels. Man, that feels big, but when I look in the mirror it doesn’t look like much. Here lemme touch it again to see how it feels now. Big. And shit, now I got my finger oil all over it. Okay, I’ll leave it alone now. Agggh, why can’t I stop touching it?

TUESDAY

Damn, it looks like an F’ing gopher has moved in under my skin. I’ll just put some cover-up on it. There, that’s better. Kind of. Wait, no it’s not. That F’er’s so big it has a shadow now, so cover-up doesn’t do shit for it. Maybe if I press on it a little, maybe then it will go down. I’ll just keep doing that all day and see what happens.

WEDNESDAY

WTF? It’s still there. And nearing the size of Mount St. Helens. What if it never goes away? And if you think I’m being melodramatic, I’m not. You get bumps like this as you get older. Bumps that never go away. I have one on the other side of my chin. Maybe this one is just my body trying to be symmetrical. I’m like an F’ing Rorshack test (FYI, I just looked it up and Rorschach is the way you spell it, but if I saw the word Rorschach I’d be like WTF is that word? At least the way I spelled it is phonetic and reads right, so I’m leaving the wrong way.)

THURSDAY

Okay, this is ridiculous. I'm 40 for Christ's sake with the skin of a 7th grader. I’m nipping this shit in the bud right now (that’s the expression, right? Nipping it in the bud? It’s not nipping it in the butt, right? Or the but? I’m too lazy to look it up right now). I’ll just squeeze it a bunch and hope something comes out. Oh great, now it’s just a red bump with a white bloodless line through the middle. It’s really hard. I know I should leave it alone, but I’m way past that now. No, I’ve committed to doing something so I’m just going to keep squeezing until something happens. As Julia Roberts said to those bitches in the clothing store, big mistake. BIG mistake.

FRIDAY

Awesome. Now Mount St. Helens has erupted. Granted, it’s because I erupted her. So now I have to get her to stop bleeding so I can attempt to use cover-up and pray that I’m never in direct sunlight where it is so F’ing obvious that I have used the wrong shade of cover-up. So I’ll just stick this tiny piece of tissue on it until it stops bleeding, like a guy does when he gets a shaving cut. And even though my husband has seen me splayed out totally naked on an operating table, I’m petrified that he is going to walk in and see this stupid little piece of tissue stuck to my chin.

SATURDAY

Happy Crusty Scab Day.

SUNDAY

Happy Crusty Scab Finally Fell Off Day! Hurray! It’ll be weeks before this stupid ass red mark goes away completely, but at least it’s flat and dry and easy to disguise with cover up, so it’s a drastic improvement from what I’ve been dealing with. I will never play with a zit and make it worse again. Ever. At least until I get another one.

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