What you SHOULD F’ing buy my kids this holiday

So all these blue-haired grannies are on my ass asking me what the hell they should buy their grandpoopers now that I’ve pretty much nixed every present out there because they're all so annoying. Welcome to my world, Nanas. Sucks, doesn’t it? Anyways, let’s skip all the intro crap (translation: I’m lazy) and get to the good stuff.

Dear Grammy, Grampy, Nana and Pop Pop,

This shit is for you. The top 10 Baby Sideburns approved presents to buy my kids this holiday:

1. A box. Yup, just a big ole cardboard box you can buy at the UPS Store down the street. Or better yet, steal from a dumpster. You can spend your entire swear jar of money on a fabulous plastic playhouse (or as I like to call it, a bird-poop, spider-web magnet) and guess what the kids want to play with. The F’ing box it came in. Side note, if you empty my entire swear jar you could buy like 9,000 playhouses. Hell, you could buy Donald fucking Trump. Talk about shit I don’t want in my house.

BabyinBox (gratuitous cute baby picture)

2. DVDs. Yes, I said that. Buying my kids a DVD they can zone out in front of is like giving me free babysitter coupons, but without the F’ing nanny cam. Plus, Dad’s never going to bone a copy of Finding Nemo.

3. Tampons. Moms back me up on this one. WTF is it with tampons that makes them so damn attractive to our rug rats? Not a month goes by that I don’t come into my bathroom and find my kids playing with them like they’re F’ing Lincoln logs. And just to be clear, I’m talking about wrapped, unused ones. ‘Cause if your kiddo’s playing with used ones (insert heebie jeebies emoticon here), it’s time to buy one of those R2D2 trashcans with a lid.

4. Toys WITH batteries. Because you know what batteries do? They die. And that's a good thing. Because nine times out of ten you won’t replace them because you can never find your stupid miniature screwdriver made for a Liliputian (I have no idea if this is how you spell it) to open up where the batteries go, so the toy will remain SILENT FOREVER. Ask any mom what the best sound in the world is, and we’ll all say the same thing. Our kid’s laughter. But we’re all fucking lying. The best sound in the world is silence.

5. This.


Do I even need to say anything about how FUCKING AMAZING THIS IS?!!!!! (And to all of you who bitch about how much I cuss, now you probably hate me even more for doing it in all caps, but you must understand that I hold it all in until the kids are sleeping and then it just comes out like projectile vomit. I promise I’m attempting to do it less. And failing miserably). Anyways, BUY THIS FOR ME, I mean for the kids, NOW!

(Gratuitous plug: Please join Baby Sideburns on Facebook for more funnyish stuff.)

6. Recordable storybooks. You know, the kind they sell at Hallmark where Nana reads and records all the words so I don’t have to read them. If I hear my kid ask me to read her one more lame ass book, I’m gonna pull a double Van Gogh and chop off both of my ears. And send them to you unless you buy this for her for the holidays. Yes, this is exactly the kind of shit that lets me be the lazy mom I always aspired to be.

7. Fourteen Elf on a Shelfs (Elves on a Shelves???). Yes, fourteen. Why so many? One for every damn room in my house. He sees you when you’re sleeping, and eating, and pooping, and playing, and dressing, and taking nine hours to get into your F’ing car seat!

8. Toy cleaning sets. Seriously, they sell this shit. Mini brooms, mini dustpans, mini vacuums (why the hell does this word have two u’s in it?) mini cleaning carts. I shit you not. Go to Toys R Us and you will see them. And you know what? Cleaning product toys are damn good training. Why do you think I had kids in the first place?

9. Toothbrushes, toothpaste, socks, underwear, soap, shirts, pants, food, shoes, alarm clocks, nightlights, backpacks, beach towels, pajamas, sippy cups, and all the other crap I have to buy on like an hourly basis for my hooligan poop machines.

10. Money. Duh. And if you think I’m being an a-hole asking for money, you’re right. But I don’t give a damn. The way I see it, you were going to buy my rug rat something anyway, so why not just skip the risk and fork over the dough you were going to spend? And maybe some of you grandmas are thinking, no I wasn’t going to buy anything, I was going to knit something. Well, A. Since when the fuck are they giving away free yarn, so just fork over the cash. And B. I don’t have time to write all the shit that comes to mind about knitted holiday gifts.

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