More crap NOT to buy my kids this holiday

There are two things I’m good at. Reading People magazine and telling people why a certain kid’s toy sucks. Which is why I was crazy stoked when a reader recently sent me a link to People Magazine’s suggestions of which toys to buy kids for the holidays this year. Ahhhhh, it’s like the perfect storm of my talents! I love you, People, but this shit ain’t right. Here are just a few of my favorites... and by favorites I mean ones that suck the most and deserve to made fun of.

 

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How many pairs of socks are in this box (Dr. Seuss would be so proud)? Three?! So that comes to what, over ten F’ing dollars per pair. What are they made of, gold?! And the description says they come in a reusable bamboo basket. Reusable for what? To carry my sushi in?

 

Veggie-art-suppliesveggie-art-supplies-description

So let me get this straight, you’re going to take all of the healthy shit my kids won’t eat and you’re going to turn them into art supplies? Hey kiddo, since you wouldn’t eat your veggies, I turned them into something you can ruin the carpet with.

 

sleeping-bagsleeping-bag-description

‘Cause that’s who I want to be like— Celine Dion. And look, as an added bonus it comes with a book that converts into a kid-size pillow.  Ehhh, wrong. Pillows are puffy. That is not a pillow. It’s flat. And just because that kid is pretending to sleep on it does not make it a pillow. If I lie (lay???) my head on a brick, is it a pillow?

 

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Uhh yeah, you had me until hammer and nails. Here you go, Timmy, here’s a hammer to, awww no Timmy nooooo! Well, guess you’ll just have to build us a new coffee table with your DIY Wood Building Set.

 

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Alls I want to know is if I get a case of the munchies, can I eat the corn resin bracelet. If so, sold!

 

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So let me get this straight. You want me to give up my iPod or iPhone so my kid can have a talking stuffed animal? Okay sweetheart, I need you to stop playing with your toy because Mommy has to call to make a gyno appointment. Insert 3-year-old’s tantrum here. Yeahhh, that’s not gonna happen.

 

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I love this description: Once he puts Batman’s cool hideaway together… Lies! Once WHO puts it together? He? Try ME. And that looks like it’s about as easy to put together as a frigging Ikea wall unit.

 

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Is this kid wearing the plastic hair you pop on and off the Lego guys? Just curious.

 

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Because that’s what moms need after dinner. More shit to clean.

 

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Really? What’s so F’ing cool about them? Are they puffy? No. Are they glittery? No. Are they holograms? No. Are there 9 million of them to ruin all of my furniture? Yes.

 

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Why does everything from Pottery Barn Kids look F’ing homemade but cost like a bazillion dollars? Seriously, you stuck a stupid stuffed animal on a pair of wooden rockers and then you charge $119 for it?

 

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Ummmm, I think someone forgot to color this toy in. For $38, this company can afford some F’ing crayons.

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