Happy Last Minute Shopping Day! So many stores, so little time

In honor of the last day of shopping before that fat guy takes credit for all the shit you came up with and worked so hard to pay for and then spent like a million hours wrapping because they all came in abnormally shaped boxes that suck. Wait, I don’t think that was a complete sentence, but I lost my train of thought. Anyways, in honor of this big-ass shopping day, here are a few thoughts about some of my favorite and least favorite stores to shop at.

Target

Here are a few things I like about Tarjay:

It’s where I found my most favorite underwear EVER (this is purposely #1 as it is quite possibly the most important thing in my life)

I go there multiple times a week so I know which cashiers are my BFFs and which ones to avoid like the plague.

I don’t need my receipt to return shit. I’m already juggling like 9,000 things, so finding a 3 inch wide slip of paper folded up in some pocket somewhere amongst a bunch of hardened snot rags is about the last thing I want to do.

I never leave there spending less than $100, which would ordinarily piss me off but I always feel like I need all this stuff, especially the wine.

And oh yeah, they have a wine section.

 

Toys R Us and Babies R Us

When I go to these stores I can never find a salesperson to help me. I seriously wonder whether I can just grab as much shit as I want and run out because there is literally not a single employee in sight. And then when I finally find someone, two questions go through my head:

  1. Does this person need a lobotomy?
  2. Did this person already have a lobotomy?

 

HomeGoods

WTF? Sometimes I walk out of this store with like a million amazing things for my house. And then other times I feel like I’ve walked into a store that was specifically stocked with shit for white elephant parties. Like that vase that looks like some color-blind, three-year-old mosaic’ed it together in art class. Or that shower curtain I saw that’s white except for a clear band right at the height of my muffin top? And if you’re tall, at crotch height. Nice. But sometimes I’m like, $4?! You can’t get anything for $4 anymore. So I go home with a thing of soap that supposedly smells like a field. What kind of field I have no F’ing idea. But it was $4!

 

Neiman Marcus

I used to shop at this store. Once. Someone gave me a gift I didn’t need or want or something, so I returned it. Here’s the conversation I had with the saleslady.

SALESLADY: You have $36 to spend.

ME: Oh cool. I’ll go look around.

SALESLADY: Are you looking for something specific?

ME: Something nice for $36.

SALESLADY: You could buy this breath mint.

 

So there you go. I’m sure I could add like a thousand more stores to this list, but who the hell is reading my blog on Christmas Eve anyways? Well, besides you.  Merry Christmas to all, well to all nice people who don't write mean shit in my comments section, and to all a good night!

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