Ten reasons why I could never run for president (besides the short, hairy factor)

  1. If I were running today, I’d be so nervous right now I’d be stuffing my face with whatever I could find in the kitchen, like a bottle of bacon bits or something.
  2. I only own two pair of pants that fit me, and they’re the same pair, and they’re jeans, and they’re from Tarjay. And I unbutton them under the dinner table.
  3. I’d be on the cover of Newsweek and other magazines that don’t airbrush and people would see my lone chin hair I forgot to pluck this week.
  4. Where on earth can you privately pick your wedgie when the secret service is constantly watching?
  5. I can never remember whether it’s pronounced I-RAN or i-RON.
  6. The president probably isn’t allowed to watch Jersey Shore. Maybe four years ago they could, but not anymore.
  7. I’m always accidentally swallowing my gum. People would be like, “Hey, weren’t you just chewing gum? I didn’t see you spit it out.”
  8. I’m always leaving my snot rags all over the house and something tells me that won’t fly in the White House.
  9. I’m constantly trying to get the poop smell out from under my fingernails, and the president has to shake a lot of hands.
  10. Two words: Fat Pants.

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