“Sofia the First. Sofia the First. Is it Sunday yet? Is it 6 yet? Is it on yet? I wanna watch Sofia the First,” my daughter’s high-pitched voice begged all F’ing week. It was enough to make me want to chop off my ears and gauge out my eyes so I wouldn’t even have to lip-read what she’s saying. Sorry, too graphic? My kids go to bed and all the cuss words and scary shit I’ve been holding in all day comes out like projectile throw-up.
For weeks now my daughter has been driving me bonkers about the newest Disney princess movie and last night it was finally on. At precisely 5:59 PM, she plopped down on the couch decked out in her barforama princess gear and immediately turned into a comatose vegetable as the supposedly Latina (she’s about as Latina as I am proper) princess came on screen.
Anyway, talk about a piece of shit. Blah blah blah, girl becomes princess, blah blah blah, stepsister is mean to her, blah blah blah, Cinderella comes to help. Insert screeching car sound effect here. WTF?!!! Why the fuck is Cinderella in this brand new Disney movie?
I literally rewound the show to see if I missed something. Nope, ¾ of the way through the show, she just magically appears out of nowhere. It’d be like if Ariel were swimming in the ocean and suddenly Snow White were sitting on a bed of coral. Of course, she’d have to be wearing scuba gear and shit. And a skimpy bathing suit.
Plus they’ve re-illustrated Cinderella to make her look like modern day animation, but that’s just weird because we’ve been seeing her the way she looks for decades, so now she just seems like one of those old ladies that suddenly shows up with a botched facelift that makes her look like a cat.
Anyway, then things got weirder. Cinderella starts spouting off all this shit about how she totally regrets leaving her asshole family behind and how she should have worked things out with her bitchy sisters. It’s like Disney had this guilty conscience all these years, so it invented Sofia the First to clear it.
Well, you know what Disney, I think you missed a mind-blowing opportunity here. You know what would have been better than this Sofia crapola? The Jerry Springer Show. That’s right. You should have sent Cinderella and her jerk wad sisters to the Jerry Fucking Springer Show and let them work that shit out.
JERRY SPRINGER: So you felt left out when they made you stay at home?
CINDERELLA: I had already lost my mother and now my sisters too.
ANASTASIA: Yo biatch, quit your (bleep)-ing whining. I don’t give a rat’s (bleep) if you the princess.
DRIZELLA: You stole my man, ho bag. You goin’ down, (bleep)!
CINDERELLA: All I ever wanted was to be friends!
ANASTASIA: I’ll give you something to cry about, (bleep)!
Anastasia starts to beat the crap out of Cinderella and suddenly her Fairy Fucking Godmother flies in from off stage to put Anastasia in a headlock. Drizella then jumps on her back, and Cinderella throws a chair across the room just for the hell of it. And a pumpkin. And then a bunch of creepy mice scurry from their audience chairs onto the stage where they start chomping on Anastasia’s and Drizella’s ankles drawing blood so Jerry Springer’s body guard guys have to get involved and break this shit up.
Anyway, you get the picture. Now excuse me. My phone is playing Baby Got Back, and I’m pretty sure I know who it is. Yeah Disney, I’ll come work for you in Orlando. Alls I need is a room in the castle and 24-hour access to the Churro stand.