General Petraeus Pokes His Machine Gun in Slut Bag’s Vajayjay and Gets Busted

Last night when I had insomnia I was reading the New York Times (I know this might make me sound intelligent but it shouldn’t. I would much rather read People or Us or the instructions on my shampoo bottle, but the New York Times bores the crap out of me and puts me back to sleep). The top two articles were about General Petraeus and his affair.

I know this sounds like it’s going to be a totally lame, boring-ass blog and you’re used to hearing me wax on about diarrhea diapers and how I’m haunted by a little blue dress (much like Clinton and Monica Lewinsky once were), but stick with me here. I promise, it gets funnier. A little.

Anyway, the first article went on and on about how wonderful Petraeus is calling his resignation a “loss of one of our nation’s most respected public servants.” The second article talked about Paula Broadwell, the woman he gave the hot beef injection to (just warming up here). They called her valedictorian of her high school class, homecoming queen, a fitness champion at West Point with a graduate degree from Harvard, and a model for a machine gun manufacturer. All in the first paragraph.

WTF?! Is it just me or are they making these two fuckwads sound like heroes? I know they might be good peeps deep down inside (real deep), but is this seriously the time to praise them? So here’s the article I think the New York Times should have written last night:

General Petraeus Pokes His Machine Gun in Slut Bag’s Vajayjay and Gets Busted

Washington DC-- Check this shit out. Today General Petraeus, married man of 37 years, admitted to bumping uglies with slut bag Paula Broadwell. Not only is Petraeus the subject of Broadwell’s biography, but she claims the general is also her mentor. Apparently he taught Paula many things, like the military position, and oh here’s another one, how not to get rug burn on your knees by using a pillow. While General Petraeus was calling for a “surge” of troops in Iraq, he was also demonstrating what a “surge” looks like to Mrs. Broadwell. Is that an AK-47 in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? Atten hut!

According to sources, President Obama was both surprised and disappointed by Petraeus’ confession. No shit, Prez. Guess who else was surprised and disappointed. Petraeus’ wife, Holly. And Broadwell’s husband, what’s his name. I’d give his name but the articles that went on and on about the general and his ho-bag never even mentioned the poor schmuck’s name.

Anyway, I’m not a fucking journalist. In case you're a moron and couldn’t tell. So if anyone has any connections to the NY Times or any other reputable rag, connect this shit up. Someone needs to tell it like it is.

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