For the love of God, stop posting 9,000 pictures of your baby on facebook!

Once upon a time in my previous life, I had a boss who told me that he hates exclamation marks. And for years it’s been haunting me. Every time I push “shift 1,” I feel like I’m doing something wrong.

But lately I’ve found myself using them all over the place. Exclamation marks, emoticons, words like soooo and LMAO. Because suddenly half of my communication with the outside world is typed on facebook during my kids’ naptime. And tone isn’t always so obvious when you’re just typing in black and white. I mean how can a reader see that when I type thank you I’m actually giving them the bird and being sarcastic? Let’s face it, there’s a big difference between me typing:

Cute.

And

Soooooo cute!!! :)

“Cute” is what I finally break down and type when a mom floods my newsfeed with 9,000 pictures of her baby who looks like an old man. For the love of God, pick the best picture of your cone-head on the Boppy and post it. I don’t need to see all twenty.

You know the type I’m talking about. That mom who genuinely thinks her baby is cuter than all the others. Yo, jackass, we all think our own kid is the cutest. We think they’re the cutest from the moment they come out of our vajayjays covered in that nasty cheese-like substance. And believe me, none of them are cute at that moment. We all just think they are because it’s God’s way of making sure we don’t eat our newborns the way farm animals do sometimes. But I digress.

cheese

So who do I type “Soooooo cute!!! :) to? The mother who’s brave enough to post the school picture of her kid who got a cut above his lip that makes him look like he has a Hitler mustache. The excess of o’s and punctuation marks and the smiley face leave no chance for ambiguity. Clearly I LOVE this picture and I’m not faking it.

Of course, I’ve failed to mention something I overuse even more than exclamation marks these days. The “like” button. And there’s a reason I’ve skipped over it. I HATE that I use it! Here’s what I think it means when you press the “like” button:

  1. I saw your picture so I have to press “like,” otherwise I’m an asshole.
  2. We’re not good enough friends for me to actually type something on your wall.
  3. Oh shit, 90 other people pressed "like" so I better too.

I mean, does anyone even look back to see who “liked” their pictures? Confession: sometimes I do. Usually it’s just the same people who always do, but every once in a while I think, “That person liked it?!” I’m surprised my former roommate’s brother’s girlfriend who I randomly befriended at a party is even looking at my pictures. Hmmm, maybe she has a thing for cats wearing sombreros.

And then I kind of wish there were another button that would let me “like” her “like.” I want her to know that I appreciate her “like.” Wow, did I seriously just type that? Kill me know. Or rather, Kill me nowwwwww!!!!!!!! Where’s that emoticon with a knife sticking out of its head when you need it?

And while we’re on the subject, please press the like button within this article, even if you didn’t really like it and will just feel guilty for not pressing it. And please know that I appreciate your “like” and that I would “like” your “like” if I could :)!!!

 

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