Aggggghhh, I ate cauliflower! Must cut off tongue now!

ZOEY: What do I have to do to get dessert?

ME: Eat your peas.

ZOEY: But not this one.

ME: What’s wrong with it?

ZOEY: It’s in half.

ME: Fine, but all the others.

ZOEY: Can you make them into a rainbow?

ME WITH BUTTERY FINGERS NOW: There you go.

ZOEY: Now can you roll each pea off your forehead down your nose like a ski jump and into my mouth?

ME: I’ll do whatever it fucking takes, Zoey.

Having a picky eater SUCKS. If your kid isn’t picky, you can stop reading now because I HATE YOUR GUTS. Kidding. Kind of. Actually, if your kid eats everything keep reading this because it'll will make you feel like you’re doing something right.

My daughter has five food groups. PB&J, grapes, yogurt, oatmeal, and Cheerios. Make that six. Dessert.

It’s downright embarrassing. While the other parents are ordering meals off the kiddie menu, I need to carry a “special” bag packed with the crap she’ll eat because she won’t eat chicken fingers, Mac and Cheese, hamburger, grilled cheese, pasta with marinara sauce, baby carrots, pizza, hot dogs or anything green.

Wait, that’s a lie. Sometimes she will eat pasta with marinara sauce, but only if it’s the bow tie kind because she thinks it looks like butterflies. Aggggh, how can you be so frigging smart but not understand that all pasta tastes the fucking same! Except for that one shape of pasta that kind of looks like little vaginas. Which is just so wrong, especially when it’s served in a cream sauce. I just can’t bring myself to eat tiny vaginas, not that there’s anything wrong with that. But I digress.

Sadly my kid used to eat Mac and Cheese until some fuckwad suggested I hide cauliflower in it. I diced it up so small you couldn’t even see it with a microscope, and watched with anticipation as she put the first bite in her mouth. Then I watched with horror as her mouth went into convulsions and she proceeded to 409 her tongue to get rid of the bad taste. No, please God (it’s amazing how when you really want something to happen you suddenly convert from an atheist into a believer), don’t let her boycott Mac and Cheese now! Picture me dropping to my knees and screaming, “Nooooooooooooooo!” She hasn’t had a bite since. And I’m an atheist again.

Anyway, jackasses full of shitty advice often say just put the food in front of them and if they’re hungry enough they’ll eat it. Well, they’re wrong. I don’t care if my kid hasn’t eaten in six days and she’s wearing her ribs on the outside of her skin. If you put something in front of her that she doesn’t like, this is the face you’ll get:

yuckyfood

It doesn’t matter how hungry she is. She would absolutely starve to death. Or worse, she’d be so hungry she’d turn into a raging lunatic bitch throwing tantrums left and right and I’d have to deal with them. You know, more often than usual.

Anyway, I’ve tried every single method you can imagine to expand her palate. Bribery, threats, starvation, more bribery, food charts, stickers, dangling a candy bar in front of her face. I’m pretty sure I’ve already given her like six eating disorders. Except bulimia. You actually have to eat to have that one. Woo-hoo! I didn’t give my kid bulimia! Just call me parent of the year.

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