Sometimes I wish I never had kids

Okay, don’t tell a soul but I have a deep dark secret I have never shared with anyone. The truth is I have a few. Like the fact that I had hairy shoulders when I was a baby, the fact that when I throw candy away sometimes I go back to the trashcan to eat it if it’s not touching anything gross, and the fact that I could enter a mustache contest and win. But there’s one secret that’s deeper and darker than any of those. Are you ready? Okay, here goes.

Sometimes I wish I never had kids.

Gasp!! I know I’m terrible! I’m going to hell for thinking this and not the good kind of hell I’ve always dreamed of where everyone is fun and we drink frozen margaritas to keep cool in the molten lava. After all, who would you rather spend an eternity with— Bonnie and Clyde or Mother Teresa?

So here’s the thing, I love love love my kids, but they kind of put a crimp in my lifestyle. Like today Groupon sent me the most amazing deal for six days in Jamaica, and there was a time in my life when I would have clicked Buy before I even checked to see if the hotel had toilets or just a hole in the ground. But now that I have kids things are way different. How do I justify taking my family to a place where ganja is easier to buy than diapers? And sometimes when I look at Facebook and see my childless friends romping around South America or trekking to Machu Picchu, all I can wonder is where would life have taken me if I didn’t have little rugrats keeping my passport stamp free.

And I know what I’m about to say makes me a total loser (tell me something I don’t know), but sometimes I just long for the good ole days when I could stretch out on the couch under my Snuggie for an entire Saturday afternoon and watch TLC’s What Not to Wear over and over and over again. I can’t remember the last time I watched even a single episode. Hence the pajama jeans. But damn are they comfortable.

Having kids means I only shower every other day, I have to eat dinner by 5:30, and I constantly live in fear that someone little is going to burst into the bathroom to peer behind my tush and see what’s in the toilet.

Just four weeks ago the last of our couple friends had a baby and even though I said congratulations to them, there was a small part of me that wanted to say, “Why?!” Yes, I know all the reasons. The unconditional love, hearing someone call you Mommy, feeling like you love something so much it hurts, hearing the pitter patter of feet running into your bedroom and little kiddos jumping up into your bed to snuggle. But do you know when they choose to do this? When you’re sleeping, when you’re hungover from the ½ glass of wine you managed to consume, when you’re finally having sex for the first time in days, and by days I mean months.

So you’re probably thinking I’m a horrible person. Who the hell wants to give up their kids? That’s not what I said. I said sometimes I wish I never had kids. Once you have them, you love them to death and there’s no going back. Although my son is so attached to me these days, I think he would literally crawl back up in my vajayjay if I let him. And that’s wrong for so many reasons.

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