So the other day I was in a restaurant stressing out over the menu (do I get the pizza and feel guilty the whole night or do I get the salad and feel jealous the whole meal?), when I overheard a super skinny woman standing next to me place her order.
WOMAN: I’ll have the Cobb salad but no bacon or blue cheese and put the dressing on the side. And I don’t want the regular dressing. I want the lo-cal, low-fat one.
Two things went through my head.
A. I hate you.
B. WTF are you doing?
You have the Usain Bolt of metabolisms and this is what you do with it?! Not to sound redundant, but WTF?
You could fit both of her thighs inside one of mine. Yes, this is the way I measure other people's body parts, and I’m guessing some of you do too. This lady was so skinny if she ate a Dorito you could probably see the triangle move through her body. Not that she would ever pick up a Dorito.
You see, if I were naturally skinny I would totally take advantage of it. Every day I would wear a bag of Doritos around my neck like a giant feedbag. And I wouldn’t care if people stared because I’d know that most of them aren’t staring at my feedbag. They’re staring at my awesome thighs. Thighs that don’t rub together in hot weather. Thighs that I would always show off in mini skirts no matter what the temperature is outside. Yeah, I’d be one of those girls.
SKINNY ME: Oh whoops, it’s only 29 degrees? I thought it said 92. Tee-hee, guess I shouldn’t have worn a mini skirt. At least I’m wearing Uggs!
And back to my favorite subject of all—Doritos— the second most awesome invention ever (nothing beats TV). I used to say that if they ever came out with low-fat Doritos I’d eat them constantly, and then they did. Remember those light ones they had for a short stint? The only problem was they caused anal leakage. I can’t tell you how many nights I was up trying to decide whether the anal leakage was worth it. It took all my willpower not to strap on some Depends and get munching. If only they had those “sexy” Depends that Lisa Rinna has been promoting. Don’t tell anyone but I actually have a room in my house that’s floor to ceiling with every bag of low-fat Doritos I could possibly get my hands on before Frito Lay stopped making them. Guess the legal copy in the commercials was just too much.
ANNOUNCER: Warning, low fat Doritos may cause orange fingers and anal leakage.
Anyway, back to Miss Anna Rexia. As I’m standing next to her at the soda machine, I wonder if I should tell her that the sole life purpose of a salad is to be a vehicle for dressing. That she’s squashing the hopes and dreams of every head of lettuce out there. As I’m standing there deciding whether to open my big fat mouth (it matches my thighs), she commits the cardinal skinny lady sin. She pours herself a nice tall glass of Diet Coke. And then she has the gall to speak to me.
WOMAN: It’s funny, I’ve just always liked Diet Coke better than regular Coke.
It takes all of my willpower not to say exactly what I’m thinking.
ME: No you don’t, lady. No one does.