Dear unfortunate waiter,
Well, we made it. Barely. I know tonight wasn’t exactly what you pictured when you strapped on your little black apron, so I’d like to offer you my sincerest apology. Here goes.
1. I’m sorry my baby removed and sucked on every sugar packet on the table. I tried to shove them all back into the holder, but they just don’t go in as easily when they’re doused in saliva.
2. I’m sorry for laughing at you when you mentioned the cocktail specials at the beginning of the meal. I know I look like I need a cocktail, and I promise I’ll come back to order one from you in about 18 years.
3. I’m sorry I peed on my seat a little when I laughed. Sometimes it just sneaks out once you’ve had a baby, which I really don’t understand since I had a c-section. What’s up with that, right?
4. I’m sorry for bringing food for the kids and taking up a four-person table even though only two of us will be ordering. I know you have a wonderful kids menu, but my kids won’t eat chicken fingers, mac and cheese, spaghetti, hamburgers, hotdogs, tacos, waffles, or grilled cheese. If you ever add peach yogurt, wheat thins, or raisons to your kids menu, let me know.
5. I’m sorry the people who sat down at our table after us got jelly all over their knees. I should have warned you to clean the underside of the table too.
6. I’m sorry my kid sucked on the grated cheese shaker. I probably should have told you that too before the next table sat down.
7. I’m sorry I paid with a Groupon and forgot to tip off what the meal cost before you applied the 50% off. I still have baby brain even though I had my baby over a year ago.
8. I’m sorry my kid watched Caillou on the iPad the whole meal and kept turning up the volume. And no, I have no idea why he’s four and still bald. Or why he’s so annoying. Or why his mom’s actual name seems to be Mommy. And FYI, this would have been a good time to come back over and offer us those cocktail specials again.
9. I’m sorry it looked like an explosion of peas and bananas and Cheerios under my kid’s highchair when we left. I swear we didn’t bring a piñata into the restaurant.
10. I’m sorry for the wall incident. If you haven’t found it yet, you will.
11. I’m sorry we drove away the table of adults next to us. But who needs to be serving a bunch of overeating alcoholics anyway, right?
12. I’m sorry for plunging my eye daggers into you when you were stupid enough to offer us dessert out loud. Please let all of your wait staff buddies know that moms are experts when it comes to lip-reading “Do you want a dessert menu?”
13. I’m sorry for unbuttoning my pants at the table. I usually wear my maternity jeans, but since I haven’t had a baby in over a year and we were going out for a nice meal, I decided to try normal pants. Stupid me.
Anyway, I think that’s it. If you still have any unresolved feelings about this, please take it up with the hostess who put us in your section. It was the one with the blonde hair and the skirt that was so short you could practically see her vajayjay. That doesn’t really narrow it down, does it? I’m sorry.
See you next Sunday!
You know who