An Open Letter to Mitt Romney (by a Ranting Lunatic Mom)

Dear Mitsy,

I hope you don’t mind if I call you that. So the other night I was watching you in that debate, or as I like to call it, what the fuck happened to my favorite TV shows tonight, when something suddenly occurred to me. No matter how many lies you tell, I’m not going to vote for you.

Nope there ain’t no way you’re getting my vote. Unless… Yes, I said it. Unless… I’m sure you’re just salivating to find out what on earth a right wing, doggie-hater like yourself can do to win over a Yellow Dog democrat like me. There’s just a little something you can repeal.

Obamacare? N to the mother-f’ing O. Do you know what I went through to get health insurance when I was quitting my career to wipe baby’s asses all day and write a blog I don’t get paid for? I’m totally healthy (besides my mind) and the insurance underwriters took about five months to comb through my medical records and ask me 1,000 questions about my third nipple before they approved me for insurance. Which is hilarious since I have to pay them $700+ a month and it doesn’t even cover laser hair removal. I’m sorry, but if your eyebrows are so long they cover your eyeballs, I think it is a medical necessity. Anyways, can you imagine if I really had a preexisting condition? So let’s keep Obamacare.

But there is one thing you could promise to repeal. I’ll give you a hint. It happens just 2 short days before Obama kicks your ass in the election. Still don’t know? Here’s another hint. Rhymes with haylight mavings. Yup, every parent’s nightmare— Daylight Savings.

Daylight Savings is like the government’s way of saying, “Hey, parents, we don’t give a rat’s ass about your child’s sleep schedule.” They say they do it for the farmers, but Mitt, here’s a little math question to throw at you. How many farmers are there in this country? Okay. Now how many parents are there? Yeah, that’s what I thought. A helluva lot more. So who are you trying to please? I mean in addition to the 1% loophole a-holes like yourself.

And I know what you’re wondering, besides “Should I dye the hair on my temples?” You’re wondering why I hate Daylight Savings so much since it gives us time-starved moms an extra hour. Ehhh, not for el parentos (I know this isn’t really Spanish. I was the idiot who grew up in Texas and decided to go against the grain and take French, Latin and Italian. So when the country is overtaken by Latinos in the next 20 years, the only way I’ll be able to communicate with them is by saying things like passay me la cervesa . Ay caramba!) Nope, the parents get the shaft when it comes to DST. Wanna know why? Because apparently my one-year-old can’t read the memo that says 6:30 AM is now 5:30 AM, so he’s screaming himself horse at the crack of pre-dawn while I’m putting a pillow over my head trying to block out the noise and possibly suffocate myself. God willing.

I know, I know, there’s nothing you can do this year. In about 4 short weeks, we’re all going to wake up in the morning, look at the digital clocks on our cable boxes and wonder, “Did it change on its own or do I have to go fix the time now?” And don’t get me started on changing the one in the car. Who ever remembers that you have to turn off the stereo first? No one. Want to know why? Because we never turn off our car stereos. If we did, we’d actually have to talk to each other, or sit in weird, awkward silence and hear all the things that are wrong with our car.

So this year’s a wash. But if you promise to repeal Daylight Savings next year, maybe I’ll vote for you. Of course, I’ll need to see both of your hands to make sure you’re not crossing your fingers when you say it. That’s right, you can’t go back on what you say. Okay, so Obama it is.

Catch you on the flip side,

One Ranting Lunatic Mom

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