The other day I found out some pretty amazing breaking news. I found out that Kerri Walsh was pregnant during the Olympics. Kerri F’ing Walsh! This is amazing for so many reasons.
Like the fact that I actually heard breaking news when it was breaking. This never happens anymore. I mean just last week I found out that Michael Jackson died. MamasaymamusamamakuWHAT?! When did this happen? Clearly one or both of my kids was projectile vomiting the week this news hit the airwaves. But I guess there are a bunch of things new parents miss out on—breaking news, movies, sleep, sex, regular showers, eating, breathing.
But there’s actually an even bigger reason the news about Kerri Walsh is so amazing to me. Who the hell wins a gold medal when they’re preggers?! I guess maybe those weird speed-walkers, but that doesn’t count because it’s not really a sport. But a beach volleyball player?! Do you know the stamina it must take to jump three feet off the sand and spike a ball over the net over and over and over again? And while you’re pregnant!
Do you know what I was doing when I was pregnant? Lying down. Make that two things. Lying down and eating. Once I even combined the two and fell asleep at the dinner table. And by once I mean once a day.
But I’ll tell you one thing I wasn’t doing. Wearing skintight short shorts and a sports bra, especially not while jumping around in front of an audience of millions. I think people would rather see Janet Jackson’s nipple again before they’d want to see a pregnant me exposing that much jiggly skin on international telelvision. Oh yeah, spellcheck, then how the hell do you spell jiggly?
Anyway, kudos to you Kerri Walsh for winning the gold, but even more kudos to you for doing it knocked up. Talk about an overachiever. You’re probably also one of those women who doesn’t look pregnant from behind when you’re pregnant and then you suddenly turn to the side and I’m like holy amniotic basketball! Keep up the good work, and keep making the rest of us look like lazy schlubs.