Ahhhhhh, what MY perfect day would look like

1. Wake up at 10am, and I don’t mean like wake up at 7am and stay in bed for three hours. I mean my eyes don’t open and my brain doesn’t turn on until 10am, like my husband is downstairs cooking breakfast and wondering whether he should come up and put a mirror below my... Read more »

Volunteering with children and teaching them not to be greedy little douchenuggets

Volunteering with children and teaching them not to be greedy little douchenuggets
Okay, so I don’t know how it is at your house for breakfast, but I feel like every damn day I ask them what they want and they tell me and like five minutes later they look at their plates and they’re like WAHHHH, I didn’t want oatmeal!! Or WAHHHH, I wanted a bagel! Or... Read more »

In Defense of Monica Lewinsky

Mistakes I made when I was 22: 1. I went out with this total douchebag who said he loved me after about a week of dating and I believed him and said it back. 2. I drank too many strawberry daiquiris on ladies night and ended up hugging a toilet while my roomie held back... Read more »
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Seven reasons to stop and think BEFORE you post THAT on facebook

Okay, so this morning I’m scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed and the more I scroll, the more I’m starting to feel like shit. I mean all I’m seeing are these beautiful pictures that people have posted of their sparkling little love muffins looking all perfect and wonderful. Kids that have made the honor roll, kids... Read more »

Ten of the most terrifying HORROR stories taken straight out of mom’s day

Muhahahahahaha, it’s Halloween month, time to be scaaaaaary. And recently I saw this totally badass post that someone wrote based on the question “What is the best horror story you can come up with in two sentences?” I was like hells yeah, that is brilliant. So I thought, heyyy I’m a writer, I can do... Read more »

Holy crap do I miss doing ALLLLLL this crap

Okay, so once a month ChicagoNow (and if you don’t know WTF that is, just look up and to the right) has this totally stressful and sucky, uhhh I mean exciting and challenging event called Blogapalooza. We are given a topic and we have ONE hour to write a post and share it. Sixty measly... Read more »
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Holy crap do I suck at making school lunches

Okay, so now that Zoey is in kindergarten I have to pack her lunch for school, which is like the hardest thing on earth because she doesn’t eat jack shit. Well, she eats peanut butter but we can’t pack that because it might kill a kid, and I’m not really into killing children. Well, besides my own... Read more »

Happy Vajaynus Day!!!!

Here’s the thing, birthdays are bullshit. I mean hellllllo, a baby doesn’t do jack shit when he’s born and we’re supposed to celebrate him for it? Can we just consider for a moment  who did all the work that day? His mom. Yeah, the one who pushed and grunted and was tortured and bared her... Read more »

Dear mom who has decided to give birth at home

Dear mom who has decided to give birth at home, Wow, can I just say you are so brave?! I mean when I was preggers I was all like “When can you give me the epidural, doc? Whatta you mean I have to wait until I’m in labor?” And not only are you having natural... Read more »
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I'm the mean Mommy who won't give her kid a sip of water when he's thirsty

Dear Holden, Can we talk? “Cause here’s the thing, right now you’re standing at the top of the stairs calling, “Mommy, Mommmmyyy, I’m thirstyyyy,” and I’m sitting on the couch thinking, “F.U.” I mean I would never say that out loud to you, but yes, in my head I’m kinda telling you to F off.... Read more »