I'm the mean Mommy who won't give her kid a sip of water when he's thirsty

Dear Holden, Can we talk? “Cause here’s the thing, right now you’re standing at the top of the stairs calling, “Mommy, Mommmmyyy, I’m thirstyyyy,” and I’m sitting on the couch thinking, “F.U.” I mean I would never say that out loud to you, but yes, in my head I’m kinda telling you to F off.... Read more »

But if my husband does it, it'll take TWICE as long

Okay, so even though I think I married like the best man in the whole wide world (besides Channing Tatum. Seriously Channing, if you’re reading this, call me), and my husband’s like crazy supportive and likes to offer to help all the time, what I’m realizing lately is that getting help from him is usually... Read more »

What I’m gonna do the millisecond my kids go back to school

1. I’m going to shed a tear. A tear of joy. Thank God a little salt never ruined a glass of champagne. 2. I’m going to sit down on my couch and stare off into space in complete silence for at least fifteen minutes. Nahhh, not because I have a shitload of time and nothing... Read more »
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Umm, uhhh, umm, uhh, umm, uhhh, yeah, that hole

Okay, so yesterday I was walking with Holden and all of the sudden out of the blue, guess what he asks me. HOLDEN: Mommy, how does the baby get out of the belly? (GIANT pause) WTF, seriously? Agggghhhh, you’re not even three-years-old yet!!! And there’s not a pregnant person in sight and we weren’t talking... Read more »

Camping is a great way to bond with your family especially if you all get murdered by an axe-murderer together

Camping is a great way to bond with your family especially if you all get murdered by an axe-murderer together
So last weekend we went camping with the rugrats for the first time and you know what I decided? I love camping. Wait, I mean I hate camping. Yeah, basically I’m a schizo when it comes to camping because well, some of it was awesome, and some it SUCKED MORE ASS than anything I’ve ever... Read more »

An Open Letter to all Poopie Trolls

Dear Poopie Troll, Yeah, you. I know who you are. Sitting behind your computer screen just looking for the perfect post to add your nasty comment to. I picture you rubbing your hands together and thinking, “How can I dissect what she said and take shit out of context and write a mean and nasty... Read more »
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Thirty-one ways being a mom is like being in prison

You never get to poop alone Conjugal visits are few and far between Someone is ALWAYS watching you You pretty much wear the same thing every day You wash other people’s dirty clothes all day long You are surrounded by crazy people Sometimes you think YOU are going crazy You’re often subjected to unexpected pat... Read more »

And kabooooom, my kid grew up, just like that

And kabooooom, my kid grew up, just like that
They say the job of a mama bird is to teach her baby bird to fly so that one day it can leave the nest. And I guess that’s kind of the job of a human mama too. But here’s the problem. I don’t want my baby bird to leave the nest. I kinda want... Read more »

#likeagirl, #likeaboy, #likethekickasskidyouare nomatterwhatyoudo

Ahhhhhhhhh, I HATE HATE HATE when someone comes up with an idea that I wish I had!!! Well, I LOVE/HATE it because this idea is SOOOOOO amazing I’m just glad someone came up with it. You’ve probably seen this video but just in case you haven’t yet, this is a video that Always did called... Read more »
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Aggghhhh, is my husband the only one who can't find shit?!!

ME: Honey, can you get the push-ups for the kids? HUBBY: Sure. Where are they? ME: In the downstairs freezer. (three minutes later) HUBBY: I can’t find them. Are you sure they’re there? ME: 200% sure because I checked before the BBQ to make sure we had enough. (two minutes later) HUBBY: Nope, not there.... Read more »
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    Karen Alpert

    Karen is the ridiculously hairy, self-deprecating writer of the blog Baby Sideburns. She has spent the past fifteen years working for national advertising agencies until she was promoted to her newest favorite job— Mommy. She lives with her two amazing kiddos and a very forgiving husband who is kind enough not to call her Cousin It when she undresses for bed every night.

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