As some of you may know, our computer kinda got fried in the great flood of 2012. It works, but the keyboard really sucks. You type a word, it clocks, then slowly types it out on the screen, oh but not all of the words get typed. Nay! It may omit the last two words you typed, so not only does your train of thought crash, you have to wait and watch as the words come out...then retype. If you make a typo- it clocks again as you change curser position.
Try typing 1,000 words like that, and you'll run like a crazy person down the street, pulling at your hair.
My neighbors may have seen me...
Instead of teetering on insanity, I visit the computers at my local library. A few mornings a week, I am there clicking away at a computer, getting my thoughts into order to evolve into a story that will hopefully amuse you, dear reader (oh, how Stephen King of me to address you so!).
Other than the noises of modern society- the printer, cell phones, and librarians chatting, it's fine. As are most of the people. I recognize and even nod to several by now, and sometimes even see a friend. But some of the people, well...
Here is a little idea of what I get to enjoy on my outings to the library. (Am I being harsh? Perhaps. I am sure these people are all lovely, wonderful human beings. But they are also making my ability to get anything done, well, interesting, so I am speaking from an annoyed place. Besides, I also name the people in my gym- like the naked Asians (as a group) or '80's chick'-always donned in leotard, headband and hi socks. I am no pinnacle of decorum, nor do I pretend to be...).
A. Stinky Shoe Guy.
"Good Lord!", I thought as I sat typing. Is that me? Casual arm pit sniff. No... I bend over to test the air beneath the desk...no. Then I see them. Old tennis shoes- encroaching on my side of the carrol. Egads! There might as well be little 'Pigpen' clouds of PU emanating from them. Gag. Spurt. I move.
2. The OCD Talking Guy
Not only is his hygiene non-existant, but he talks. Little breathy, whispered, repeated sounds. "Shee-bee-shee bee smoosh sheee"-Repeat. If he sits down anywhere near me, I log out of everything I have open and move. I am, however, compelled to look at his hair. I don't think that combover has seen a shower in quite some time. (Too far? Well, you can't NOT notice something like that! I even catch myself peeking at it again. I feel shame.)
C. Is That...Urine?
One woman just reeks of it. But not human...cat. It's amazing the ammonia smell that wafts over from three desks away. I am thinking that this person may also belong to the van that I'll see in the parking lot. It's like an episode of 'Hoarders' on wheels. (And holy crap, if you have not seen this show, what are you waiting for? The best motivator to get up and clean out your closets I have ever had!). If 'Hoarders' has taught us anything, it's that these poor souls hoard animals as well as disgusting, rotting food, useless crap and plastic bags crammed with even more crap (man I love that show!). This van filled, FILLED to the windows with crap-and the cat pee smelling lady? 90% probability they came here together.
IV. The Cursing Singer
She wears headphones, and today, is listening to Adele. How do I know that's who she's listening to? Nope, I can't hear it through her headphones (score), she's singing it out loud, and off key. But wait! There's more. She reads her email under her breath (yes, I totally listen), and then adds in her comments- and they're all curses. Like, "That stupid bitch" or "C'mon, idiot." Such negativity for a library setting, I say.
E. That One Woman
She comes in 2-3 times a week, and at times laughs out loud at her computer. Sometimes she's in yoga pants and you can tell she totally didn't shower that morning, or her hair is still wet! Other times, she has some make up on and leaves before lunch, maybe to sup with friends? I also see her playing Farmville from time to time when she's not typing away loudly on the computer keys.
(I am at least hoping I don't smell). Ay, Mama!