I know I’ve been writing about puberty a lot, but it’s been on my mind a lot so…
It’s on my mind because I have one son in puberty’s hallway (about to be thrown out of the house) and I have another on puberty’s steps.
My youngest is double-digits now, and I know what happens once a child turns 10: puberty starts hunting him down. And puberty doesn’t matter if it’s tracking your oldest or your youngest… it wants your babies.
[cue the shrieks of horror]
Just like most parents, I tried to ignore my baby’s slide into the mind-fogging, hormone-boosting, attitude-wrecking world of puberty–but I had to face it. Not only face it but also SMELL it.
My Gawd!! One day I was hugging my dear sweet child and then the next day I couldn’t even get close to him. He smelled like onions. Hot boiled onions.
[cue more shrieks of horror]
Which brings me to my next point: (I’m jumping around a bit – but stay with me).
WHY DON’T BOYS LIKE TO WASH THEIR FUNKY BODIES? I don’t understand it. Are they heading to jungle warfare on the way to school? Have they adopted a new way of living that I don’t know about? Do the water pipes dry up every time they step near the shower or the sink? I don’t get it. I really don’t get it. Well, I do get it… I get a nose full of lingering, nasty, musty, caked-up hormones.
Oh, and I get things like Wednesday’s call from the 12-year-old, “Mom, on your way home, can you pick up some Axe Body Spray?” WHAT? WHA-WHA-WHAT?! I actually don’t remember what I told him, but I’m thinking it sounded something like, “Wash your butt.” (And I’m sure I pulled an eye muscle from rolling my eyes so hard).
But back to the baby. I'm watching him grow up and his changes stun me...like Pepé Le Pew has just walked by. And now we're forced to have THE talk with my baby: "Dear, listen carefully. This is important. Your future depends on the decisions you make from here on out. You're growing up now and we have to talk about the natural changes you're going through. Yes, we have to talk about your nature. What deodorant would you like to wear? You smell like nature...y'know, outside... near the garbage. Oh Sweetie - I love you so much.
And I'd love you so much more if you'd wash your pits regularly"
So, getting back to my original point, I hate puberty.
Wait a minute! Now that I think about it... I think puberty uses the stink-bomb maneuver to create distance between a child and his parents so it can just walk right in, grab your baby and change him forever.
That’s neither cute nor fair. In fact, it stinks.