Why them?

A friend of my recently suffered the devastating loss of her unborn child halfway through her pregnancy. When I reached out to her to offer my condolences, she said she couldn't understand why these tragedies happen to good people, people who would give anything to dedicate their lives to loving a child.

I understand this feeling all too well. For many years, month after month, I would ask myself the same question. Why not me? Why don't I get to have a baby, when I am in a good, financially-stable relationship and we have so much we could offer a child? When I am a good person, a person who has always wanted to be a mother? Why is this happening to me?

When I found out about my friend's pregnancies, I couldn't help wondering, Why them? Why do they deserve this happiness and I don't? Why do some of us experience such heartache when, all over the world, many less-than-deserving people are getting pregnant and having babies every day?

I eventually chose adoption and can truly assert that I have no interest in being pregnant anymore, but sometimes, when I hear of a tragedy like that of my friend's and compare it to some of the horror stories I've been hearing about on the news lately, I can't help but get angry at the universe.

Why not my friend, when she is one of the most kind-hearted people you would ever meet, when she would absolutely love this baby more than life itself? Why does she not get to have her child, yet a woman in France was able to deliver and subsequently murder EIGHT newborn babies? Why not her, but the woman who recently threw her newborn child down a trash chute in New York City? Why does my friend not get to hold her baby in her arms, yet a woman in Ohio, given the same blessing, puts her baby in a microwave and cooks her to death?

I could go on and on listing more stories, but the truth is, there is just no answer to the "why" question other than biology, and that somehow just doesn't seem enough, does it?

There are very few words of comfort one can offer to a woman who has suffered the loss of a baby, be it during pregnancy, after birth, or even through a failed adoption. The pain is too raw, the injustices of the world too clear.

Hopefully, with time, her heart will start to heal and she will open herself once more to the idea of having a child. Hopefully she will try, again and again, taking whatever path to motherhood she feels is right for her. Hopefully, one day, she will finally get to hold her much-awaited child in her arms. She will look at that sweet little face, snuggled up against her chest, and feel her heart swell with love. And then she will ask herself, Why me? How did I get to be this lucky?  


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  • Wow...what an incredible entry, Khadine. I cried my eyes out. My heart goes out to your friend and to all women who want and deserve a child. I think about the points you make...why are all these undeserving, evil women, who kill their children given this blessing, and others not? Why?! It's too much to ponder. It'll drive one mad.

    I had not heard of the stories you mention above, about those awful women. It makes me want to retch. It's frightening; it's horribly sad, and the worst is, we have no control over these women's destinies, or more importantly, the children's. That makes me REALLY sad.

    Khadine, you've had to face these questions up front and personal. I am saddened you had to go through that. I know I have written this before, but I'll say it again-- I am overjoyed that you have Dylan. He is a blessing. God has a plan for you and your family, and I see that it is incredible. Your present and future hold many great things. That is your destiny. I'm sure of it.

    My mother always says that God doesn't give us anything we can't handle. And we grow from those experiences, be them good or bad. Your pain in the past has prepared you even more for this present, and for Dylan's future. You truly understand the depth of being a mommy probably more than most of us. All I can say is, Dylan is one lucky little boy. And amidst all this world's chaos and tragedies, Dylan's fortune in finding you and your husband, is one to celebrate.

  • In reply to anitarudite:

    What an amazing comment to my entry, Anita! Thank you so much for your beautiful and touching response.

    I am so glad that you were touched by the entry. It was a difficult one for me to write and I seriously debated whether to post it or not, but in the end I decided that maybe it will help someone else who might be feeling this way and feels alone in her pain.

    I do believe going through what I've gone though has made me a much stronger, better person, and - hopefully - a better mommy than I would have been otherwise.

    Again, thanks so much for your comment!

  • In reply to anitarudite:

    You're welcome. You deserve it. :)

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