No mommy jeans but crack is whacked

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Low rise jeans should be banned forever. Not only for mothers but for women of every age, every race, every body type, everywhere in the world. I've championed this cause even before I thought about getting pregnant.  Women have been showing the ugliest part of our "tush" for almost a decade now (I exaggerate to prove my point) and that has to stop. I don't care how hot you are, showing your crack is whacked.

I have thrown money at the problem. I've been to Jean shops in NYC and Chicago where the denim experts were trained to solve my jeans problems.  They would always bring me the least low rise pair of the bunch.  I would sit on a chair in the dressing room (litmus test for the jeans) and my crack would stare right back at me. 
The last straw happened a little over a  year ago  at my friend Lisa's birthday party (yes, Lisa the Thursday blogger). I sat down on the floor to change Amelia's diaper.  There I am in my least low rise pair, with the obligatory long top to cover up and even so, Lisa's eleven year old cousin had to discretely tell me "you might want to pull your shirt down." Lord knows how long the party goers were getting a nice look at the ugliest part of my lower back. 
My husband had rushed into action a week before to cover me up at a coworker's party as I knelt down to pick up the baby.  Enough is enough!
So I went to GAP and tried on their mid rise Classic and Essential jeans.  High rise seems to be a curse word in the fashion world.  Natural waist is a term only to be found on the L.L. Bean or Land's End catalogs.  So I tried the Gap pairs and looked at my butt in the mirror. There it was the very matronly, shapeless, scary Mommy Jean.  If you don't know what they are, look some clips up on you tube.  I learned about the term on a Saturday Night Live skit.
I asked a sales associate and he came through for me.
Me: "Do these look like Mommy Jeans"
Him: "Yes, a little."
A year later and I was told that things have changed. During a recent visit to Nordstrom, I found out that there are plenty of high rise jeans to be had. I tried about 16 pairs (which sounds average for us women) from different labels and almost all of them passed the squatting test in the dressing room.  I  bought two pairs: Citizen of Humanity  and Seven for All Mankind.  The first fit perfectly. The latter threatened my circulation but my lovely  and young sales person said to wear them around the house in order to stretch them out. I should have taken that as a sign.

Notice tags are still on

I've been doing housework in these jeans all weekend. By Sunday morning I told my husband, "I think I'm getting a UTI and my left thigh is numb". Then, just to show him why I was doing all this extra effort to keep these jeans, I squatted for him in front of the mirror. Guess what, the crack is back. These are not "for all mankind", at least not for those humans who have to bend down to attend to toddlers for a living.  Now it's back to the store for more squatting. What we do for motherhood and fashion. Ay Mama!  

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  • Hilarious and sooooo true!
    It's even worse for us Latin women, who are well endowed in the back-side area.
    Loved it!

  • Mommy jeans? I HAVE to check that out. I'm sure I have a few. :) In fact, I'm positive I do. In the past few years, I haven't bought any jeans that have fit quite right, nor have I been able to fit into any pair from the great yonder of "before childbearing," so I'm sure I will be be horrified by how similar I look to the SNL skit. :)

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