Republicans Pleading for Atheist Vote

In a startling turn of events, Republican presidential candidates are now catering to the rapidly growing atheist vote to achieve victory in November. The muddied and bruised Presidential contenders desperate to beat Obama are pulling out all the stops.

Newt Gingrich recently stated that he was just kidding about a trust issue with people who don’t pray. He also denied any comparisons made between atheists and radical Islamists. Newt humbly recognized that Thomas Jefferson was not a divine prophet and that individual liberties come from the greatest moral reason of mankind with absolutely nothing to do with god.

Distancing himself from religion, Mitt Romney admitted that he followed Mormonism as a cool club with Darwinian advantages and dismissed any divine claims. He stated that upon inauguration he would immediately replace “In God We Trust” with “We the Entrepreneurs” on U.S. currency.

In an attempt to align himself closer with the atheists and 99% of the U.S. population, Rick Santorum admitted that he did occasionally have sex just for fun and giggles and that contraception was more of an issue of adult responsibility than morality. He vowed that as President he would sign a law forcing Catholic churches to teach evolution and to tax all religious income.

Not to be out done in courting the non-religious population, Ron Paul mentioned that atheists were always embraced by the libertarian community and promised that as President he would never authorize military force against Richard Dawkins.

Also in the news, pigs were spotted flying over New Mexico.

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