God told me to tell you there are some serious Commandments missing from the Bible. Unfortunately Moses accidentally dropped the tablets that these were carved in. He apologizes for all the suffering this blunder has caused and requests the following additions and edits to be made immediately.
Commandment XI – Slavery is bad. Any reference to condoning indentured servitude for ones’ own people should be removed. Any reference to condoning lifelong slavery for foreign captives should be removed. Rules for beating slaves should also be erased.
Commandment XII – Blasphemy shalt not be a crime. Thy god is not some thin skinned candy assed little pansy. I’m powerful enough to create billions of galaxies. I’m more than powerful enough to take any humans’ criticism or ridicule.
Commandment XIII – I am not a jealous god. Sometimes my chosen ones have too much to drink and write silly things. I am the all-powerful creator of the universe. Y’all are a bunch of naked apes that can barely get off your own planet. Jealous of you? Jealous like a jealous spouse as if we were married to each other and sleeping together? You bitches be crazy.
Commandment XIV – Do not oppress or persecute those with different beliefs. My integrity is not to be forced on people through fear and bloodshed. Either my words are convincing, or they are not.
Commandment XV – Divine reward and punishment shall be based on character, not obedience. Do not think those who do harm would receive reward while those victimized would receive punishment based on praising or not praising me. My praise is not to come from words, but from good deeds only. Those who would do harm beware. There is a line that once crossed cannot be forgiven.
Commandment XVI – Thou shalt not sexually or physically abuse children. Old men shall not marry young girls, even if they claim to be my prophet. Churches and college football organizations are not exempt. Any attempt to cover up crimes against children will incur severe punishment.
Commandment XVII – Women are to have the same rights as men. This includes choice of dress and choice or marriage. Women are never to be blamed for male sexual immaturity or impulses. Remove all references of women being inferior, women referred to as the property of a husband or father, giving birth to a daughter rather than a son being shameful, or women being silent. Also update the New Testament with wonderful stories about Jessie Christ, my only begotten daughter.
Commandment XVIII – Thou shalt not kill. This time for real. Remove all references to me killing people, me telling people to kill people, and my chosen ones killing people.
Commandment XIX – I don’t care about your sex life. Just be good to others and be good to yourself.
Commandment XX – Every living thing has a voice. Don’t think that I’m only concerned about human affairs, I care about the suffering of all animals.
God told me to tell you, you’re welcome. Now get busy!
-James Kirk Wall
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James Kirk Wall
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