God hates the Chicago Cubs

There is no greater evidence for an all-powerful being than the dismal legacy of the Chicago Cubs. A divine curse provides the only logical explanation. If there is an all-powerful and all-knowing being of which everything that happens is by his will, these things are self-evident. God loves New York, has a warm fondness for St. Louis, and hates the North Side of Chicago.

Because the interference of an omnipotent being provides unfair competition, the Major League Baseball commission has introduced the following rules to help even the scales for the Cubs. These new guidelines will be effective immediately.

#1 The Cubs will have their own division. No matter what record they wind up with, they will win their division and make the playoffs.

#2 In 5-game playoff series, the following rules will apply
a. The Cubs will begin the series with 2 wins already recorded.
b. Game 3 will begin with the Cubs having 20 runs.
c. Game 4 (if necessary) will begin with the Cubs having 30 runs.
d. Game 5 (if necessary) will begin with the Cubs having 50 runs, and rules will be put into place that will allow Brian Urlacher to block first base from opposing team.

#3 In 7-game playoff series (if the Cubs make it this far), the following rules will apply.
a. The Cubs will begin the series with 3 wins already recorded.
b. Game 4 will begin with the Cubs having 20 runs.
c. Game 5 (if necessary) will begin with the Cubs having 30 runs.
d. Game 6 (if necessary) will begin with the Cubs having 40 runs.
e. Game 7 (if necessary) will begin with the Cubs having 50 runs and opposing players will only be able to bat with their knees.

#4 In World Series (if the Cubs make it this far), the following rules will apply.
a. The Cubs will begin the series with 3 wins already recorded.
b. Game 4 will begin with the Cubs having 20 runs.
c. Game 5 (if necessary) will begin with the Cubs having 30 runs.
d. Game 6 (if necessary) will begin with the Cubs having 40 runs.
e. Game 7 (if necessary) will begin with the Cubs having 50 runs and opposing players must be over the age of 95 and will only be able to bat with a pickled herring.

If the Cubs fail to win the World Series despite these new guidelines, the same rules will apply to the next season.

Warning: Please be advised that the Cubs winning the World Series may trigger Armageddon.

James Kirk Wall

Filed under: Uncategorized

Tags: Cubs, humor

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