In a startling turn of events, Republican presidential candidates are now catering to the rapidly growing atheist vote to achieve victory in November. The muddied and bruised Presidential contenders desperate to beat Obama are pulling out all the stops.
Newt Gingrich recently stated that he was just kidding about a trust issue with people who don’t pray. He also denied any comparisons made between atheists and radical Islamists. Newt humbly recognized that Thomas Jefferson was not a divine prophet and that individual liberties come from the greatest moral reason of mankind with absolutely nothing to do with god.
Distancing himself from religion, Mitt Romney admitted that he followed Mormonism as a cool club with Darwinian advantages and dismissed any divine claims. He stated that upon inauguration he would immediately replace “In God We Trust” with “We the Entrepreneurs” on U.S. currency.
In an attempt to align himself closer with the atheists and 99% of the U.S. population, Rick Santorum admitted that he did occasionally have sex just for fun and giggles and that contraception was more of an issue of adult responsibility than morality. He vowed that as President he would sign a law forcing Catholic churches to teach evolution and to tax all religious income.
Not to be out done in courting the non-religious population, Ron Paul mentioned that atheists were always embraced by the libertarian community and promised that as President he would never authorize military force against Richard Dawkins.
Also in the news, pigs were spotted flying over New Mexico.
Filed under: atheist, Religion, Republican
Tags: 2012 election, humor, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, President, Rick Santorum, Ron Paul, satire
Seriously, over the weekend Santorum showed that he was after the nutjob vote.
At least Obama wanted the Jewish vote the last time by keeping Emanuel and Axelrod around. Obvious that Santorum doesn't want it.
The Hindu businessmen in Oak Brook haven't weighed in yet.
Santorum does not believe in contraception period. Even the nutjobs are distancing themselves on that one.
My point was more related to the "false theology" and "theology not based on the Bible" violations of the separation of church and state, to which I commented in more detail under "The Windy City YR" of Friday.
But there is your point, too.
Gotch ya! I think Santorum would be a sure victory for Obama.
I'm a Ron Paul fan, but he's not going to get the votes.
Newt took a nose dive with the Moon colonies (Damn! Should of put something on that in the article.) "Newt vowed to allow atheists in the moon colony."
Romney is probably the best choice for the GOP.
Cheers!
-Jim
Booooring. Try some actual analysis instead of prosaic, easy jokes.
Instead of reposting Republican press releases, Publius?
Warren, in a past article you portrayed Ron Paul as a clown and referred to him as the cranky uncle of the GOP. You are then going to criticize me on so called "easy" jokes on Republican Presidential contenders? Get back under your bridge!
Having sex with Santorum does not sound like fun.
Not a lot of experience if he's only done it once for each child. :)
what is the atheist version of a girl scout?
I wasn't sure where you were going with this, but there was the report about the Indiana state representative who said that the Girl Scouts were fostering abortion, lesbianism, and satanism.
So, I guess the answer to your question is "a girl scout."
First off, I love this article! You had me angrily convinced to the very end...gosh darnit!
I wrote an article relating to this that talks about my personal belief that Republicans don't actually want to win the election.
http://gabrielhaze.blogspot.com/2012/02/gop-agrees-to-lose-2012-elections.html
Thanks Gabriel!
Perhaps the Republicans are trying to lose so that George W. Bush can have his 4th term. :)
Cheers!
-Jim