"Weiner's Wiener" Is Actually Weiner's Wiener.

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If that isn't an SEO optimized headline, I just don't know what is anymore. After a week of playing the media like a fiddle until they bowed to his every explanation no matter how ridiculous, and following the unintentionally hilarious revelation that, not only had he Tweeted his wiener to unsuspecting fans, but his entire shirtless, creepy body (and his cats), Rep. Anthony Weiner is coming clean.

Yep, it's his:

Rep. Anthony Weiner of New York said today he has engaged in "several inappropriate" electronic relationships with six women over three years, and that he publicly lied about a photo of himself sent over Twitter to a college student in Seattle over a week ago.

"I take full responsibility for my actions," Weiner said. "The picture was of me, and I sent it."

That was published at, like, ten a.m. Shortly following the story, photos of Weiner's naked chest emerged from Andrew Breitbart's private collection, as well as a host of stories about phone sex, weird text messages sent to nursing students with no interest in politics, and about 200 unsolicited Facebook messages sold to Radar Online. So yes, it turns out, despite claims that Breitbart hacked into his Twitter stream and posted the pictures as a "prank," it was actually Anthony Weiner who took shots of his crotch with an iPhone and marketed himself with social media.

He called a press conference which was promptly Kanye-ed by Breitbart himself who took questions for several minutes while Weiner prepared to cry on cue and endure the onslaught of unintentionally hilarious questions about his privates from previously serious reporters. Weiner took responsibility, refused to resign, which is probably the right move for several reasons: (1) he doesn't appear to have done anything illegal, just disgusting and creepy, (2) David Vitter still appears to be in office and he was caught with a hooker while wearing a diaper and (3) his last name is Weiner and that has to be punishment enough, particularly considering he will now have to undergo an official Congressional ethics investigation which, while it will likely result in a slap on the wrist, will prove to extend the double entendres for weeks and weeks to come.

Weiner refused to reveal the identity of his wiener-photo targets but assured reporters that, as far as he knew, they were of age and that his advances were not predatory in nature, which is, quite honestly, hard to believe. It's only the - no pun intended - hard-up ugly ones who send grainy cell phone photos of their junk to ladies on the Internet who are half their age. I can only imagine that they were accompanied by record-breakingly lame lines like:

  • You show me your confidential voting record and I'll show you mine.
  •  Let's make this a "closed session" of Congress.
  • I have a 99.9% approval rating...with the LADIES.

I'm not particularly sure why anyone is surprised by this entire event, except that he spent the entire week being an...erm....d*ck about it. If, a week ago, he'd just said, you know what, that was for my wife, I really screwed up, I'm so sorry, he could have done a full talk show tour and inspired at least two lasting pop cultural references. Instead, he got all offended. This is the Facebook age (and the age where tabloids will pay big bucks). It was going to come out sometime.

In the end, I think we can all at least agree on one thing that we all feel following this unfortunate expose. We can all thank Jesus that Bill Clinton was President before the advent of the cell phone camera.

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  • Poor cats.

  • I mentioned 3 pervs from New York. The first two were from upstate, but apparently this guy's district according to his official siteis a gerrymandered sliver on the Brooklyn-Queens border.

    In fact, it looks like what Craig Ferguson would call an upside down penis, shooting at Lake Success.

    Maybe that says it all.

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