A Dancing With the Stars Public Service Political Announcement


Attention Palin voters who are f***ing with my show:

Look, I get it. Bristol Palin is the only Palin you can currently vote for, and, to some, booting her off the show prior to her sell-by date would have seemed like a vast left-wing conspiracy to hinder the entire Palin family regardless of political weight. But here's the deal: on Dancing With the Stars, typically - not uniformly, but typically - the best D-list celebrity dancer wins based on talent. You are supposed to vote off the dancers in order based on their respective ballroom suckage, as in, you vote each bottom-level dancer off based strictly on their relative ability to consistently fall on their ass. The less ability each celebrity has, the longer they stay.

Bristol is - not inexplicably - defying these odds, and while I normally do not quote Hillary Clinton as general practice, here, I too believe that she remains because of a Vast Right-Wing Conspirarcy - you - and despite the fact that she is entirely uncoordinated, she refuses to listen to the judges' advice, she doesn't actually move any part of her body other than her head and feet during her routines and to top it off she even lacks that sympathy factor that has previously kept terrible performers from being sent packing. I don't want to say that you guys need to be instructed in the proper execution of voting order on a reality television program, but I will say that this is seriously impacting my opinion of the entire demographic and I am squarely on your side politically. This is important. This is Dancing with the Stars.

You know what, this is actually systemic. It's so systemic, in fact, you're going to interrupt my rant by forcing me to make a political point about your general strategies. As in the primaries, you're backing candidates that serve a short-term purpose - albeit a noble one - with an emphasis on certain key characteristics. There, they were hard line social and fiscal conservatives, here she's a Palin. In both cases, you have seen short term wins, but over the course of the competition, will actually see losses. This is because those short term wins are achieved without long-term consideration. Eventually, the best candidate has to win, and if you've focused all your efforts on short-term gains, that candidate probably won't be yours. Be it because these candidates might tend to be batsh*t crazy or because Bristol pales in comparison to other dancers, they'll will lose. The key, in both races, is to back the best possible candidate who has long-term possibilities and a realistic chance of winning. You'll cut your losses in half, and you'll add to your wins. Yes, it's not perfect, but it'll serve your interests better in the long run. Everyone, including Bristol, will be happy when she can finally stop embarrassing herself weekly. The benefit, of course, is that you'll also be engaging in incremental political movement. Successful moderate Republicans might lead to more conservative Republicans; allow a dignified end to Bristol's dancing career you'll be one step closer to seeing Ann Coulter take the prized disco ball next Spring. 

Look, it's not bad that she goes home. She's fought a good fight. She wore a f***ing gorilla suit for God's sake. But its more than past time where you, the audience, should have given up on her. Most importantly, while I love politics, I cannot understand why you people have to let it interfere with the sanctity of my D-list celebrity competition reality television show. I love you, Mama Grizzlies - I really, really do - but there need to be boundaries, mmmmmmmkay?

Thank you,

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