Check Box if No Longer Necessary

What if there were an easier system to sever certain ties? Like the boxes you check off on a list on a survey. “What made you decide to terminate this relationship?”
“I don’t need this magazine subscription anymore.”
“She was a bad friend who never sympathized for me.”
“He was a complete asshole to our server, and a shitty tipper.”
Though miniscule, there is an explanation for the separation. Then that’s it. That’s all she wrote.

That’s not how life works and that’s definitely not how dating works. Especially of that in-between phase of nothing official but there’s a definite mutual attraction and obligation.

“Well, shit. We’ve been on three dates. I’ve slept over once. I need out. What do I do?”

This is the perfect opportunity for the checked boxes.

I started to see two guys right around the same time. They each attracted a different side of me. Jake was kind, soft and slowly made me a little less hardened.

I could relax with him; he was that glass of whiskey at the end of a long day. It wasn’t top shelf by any means, but it made you happy and you gladly looked forward to it.

I didn’t have to be on my ‘A’ game, which was brand new to me. It was nice to just… be with him. He bored me in the happiest, most innocent way possible.

Adam, on the other hand, had a fire equal to my own. He was loud, sexual, borderline disgusting and loved when I openly mocked him. He had no issue telling me how he felt in that very moment and I appreciated that about him. We were very open about seeing other people and the certain direction this was not going. Adam was aware of Jake, but not the other way around. I sincerely care about Jake and Adam quickly picked up on this.

For exactly one week, Jake was the perfect human being. I could crawl into his nook with ease; he’d kiss my forehead before he left for work, and listened to my awful rants about my love of Blake Griffin. He would Snap me stupid selfies of him being bored at work. He would, in return, help me look forward to seeing him after I got off my shifts. Then he disappeared. Nothing. Though I was upset about it, something could have happened. He was close with his family, one of them could have passed away and I didn’t want to be the asshole who flew off the handle while he’s in mourning. After Day Two of the Disappearance, I sent an understanding text, softly implying, “Hey fucker. I haven’t heard from you. Text me so I know you’re not dead.” God, what if he did die..? Would I go to the funeral..? Nah, too weird. I’d definitely send flowers though. The card would read, ‘Caring thoughts from probably the last girl that your son boned. Sending compassion and prayers to your family in this time of need.’ Yea, that’s good. I was happy to see from him viewing my Snap Stories that he was indeed alive, but shockingly enough, still silence on his end.

To get my mind off of him, I dove right back into Adam. He asked minimal questions about Jake and understood that subject was no longer of importance. We kept things straightforward and simple. He had manners though. He bought me Jimmy John’s, which is always A+ in my book.

He would laugh “then get out…!” into my neck after I would repeatedly tell him how much I hated him.

He would ask how my day was before indulging himself; formalities, but nothing further. The text messages were nonstop between the times we saw each other— very much of a build-up. The second and last time I saw Adam, after all the time talking about finally meeting up again, it was a great disappointment to my memory of the time before. He was neglectful of what made me happy and solely was about himself. It was disheartening. How could someone be so aware, then kindly get up, open the window and throw it all out, while staring me in the face with a smile on? Expectations are such a bitch.

I knew from the moment I left his front door things had to end. As much as I wanted to shout, “LATA SUCKAH,” I didn’t want to do it like Jake had done with me. I had learned various life lessons from Adam, including that I will do anything if you bribe me with pizza, and having sex while watching Jurassic World is always a good idea. I assumed he had learned from my experiences, too, just not that I’m a shitty person who falls of the face of the Earth. I can at least give him the common courtesy of an explanation. Featuring our No Bullshit Policy, I gave it to him direct: I didn’t enjoy my time with him and outside from our small moments, I didn’t feel acknowledged when I was in the same room as him.

I wanted to keep the end short and simple with Adam. “This will be the end of me, peace.” But we were too honest with one another. I remember the few times when a guy told me that they just weren’t interested.

While I died a little inside reading those words, I had better understood the situation. I was able to wake up the next morning, and move on with my life. That’s all anyone could ever ask for. So why was I deprived of this so often?

As I have in the past, you have to put it bluntly sometimes, but with tact. Nine times of out ten, they’re going to ask you, ‘why?’ which is a very valid question that deserves an answer. What people tend to forget is that dating is literally practice. We keep going at it in order to find what we like, what we don’t like and usually surprising ourselves in the process. If you would have told me a year ago I’d be shacking up with a beefy Italian, I would have laughed in your face. “Riiight, and let me guess, I watch basketball too..?”

One of the toughest pills to swallow is that not everyone has the same thought process as you. Adam wanted to know what he did that would divert my attention elsewhere. Jake got up one morning and made the choice never to speak to me again for reasons unknown. While my honesty was accepted and understood with Adam, Jake wanted no part of it, which angered me.

Maybe he was scared of me, the truth itself, or perhaps saving me from his truths.

While I’d like to know which it was, it’s not one of those “I’d rip out my own left ovary” type of situations; it’s more “I’d think about giving up coffee for two days”. If this checked box thing were to ever come of real, can there please be an “Areas in Need for Improvement”? With plenty of available lines? Either way, I’m back swiping, cup of coffee in hand, with both ovaries in place and a better sense of self.

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