Your Gluten Free Cage Free Organic Diet Hurts My Brain

Your Gluten Free Cage Free Organic Diet Hurts My Brain

If you’re rich enough to enjoy a gluten free, preservative free, pesticide free, over-priced organic lifestyle then congratulations but I hate you and you should give me money. I miss the good old days when no one knew or really cared about the things that we put into our fat faces. If you’re anything like me, you still don’t care about these things and you avoid Whole Foods at all costs. (Seriously Whole Foods? $7.99 for a gallon of milk? Is it from a magic cow?) Now, I’m no dietician, but I do know how to eat food so I’m assuming that makes me an expert on a lot of this stuff. So sit back, relax, and let me tell you why you are dumb for buying this crap.

First up: Gluten. What is Gluten? Gluten is a bunch of storage proteins found in wheat, rye, and barley. Ok Bill Nye, but what does that mean? It basically gives your bread and shit that nice chewy texture. There’s a whole bunch of sciencey mumbo jumbo that I don’t want to copy from Wikipedia because I was raised not to plagiarize but the fact remains that only 1 percent of all Americans are actually allergic to gluten. So by my calculations, the sixteen friends I have that are “allergic” to gluten are fucking liars. None of them have celiac disease - ya know, the actual disease for people that can't eat gluten - and all of them can eat this $2.99 Jack’s sausage pizza that I cooked out of the kindness of my own heart when we were drunk.

This is a thing. This shouldn't be a thing. I want to punch this.

This is a thing. This shouldn't be a thing. I want to punch this.

I love gluten. I ask for extra gluten with a side of gluten at restaurants. The people that are all about this gluten-free diet are just throwing away money and are missing some of the most scrumptious food ever. Breaded chicken? Waffles? Chipotle? You poor bastards, Chipotle is food so good it’s like your mouth is getting a blow job. But hey, take your fake gluten allergy and eat this piece of cardboard dude, more gluten for me. And I love how this whole gluten thing has just happened in the last two years but you think you've been allergic to it your whole life.

Next is organic food. There have been three major studies in the last ten years from real life scientists and not fake scientists like me. All of these studies say that there really isn’t much of a difference in organic vs. conventional. The only difference is the damn price and I’m sure as shit not going to spend my paycheck on it. I get that organic food is pure, it doesn’t have chemical additives or cancer pesticides in it. But guess what, my ass is going to die anyway so I might as well eat a steak three times the size of my head because it was pumped full of roids like Arnold.

Willy Wonka was a pretty creepy movie in retrospect...

Willy Wonka was a pretty creepy movie in retrospect...

Last but not least is GMO food. Ok, this one has my attention. I’m not sure I want a genetically modified anything let alone a plant thank you very much Audrey II. I’ve seen too many movies where something was genetically modified and it turned out bad. Well except Spider-Man, that’s pretty cool. Genetically modified is a scary phrase and I’m not smart enough to understand the process. Plus, Japan says they are bad and those people are in to some crazy ass shit and know a thing or two about genetically modified things, right Godzilla? (PS, I know Godzilla has nothing to do with genetics, I just needed a joke here that wasn't about Japan's weird porn fetish alright nerds?)

Anyone catch this reference? Anyone? Bueller?

Anyone catch this reference? Anyone? Bueller?

Bottom line, you’re going to be gluten free and an organic shopper no matter what because you believe the hype. I could be completely wrong here, but in 70 years, you’re probably going to die of cancer anyways, so why not eat a nice juicy burger from Kuma’s instead of a range free organic gluten free burger that tastes like ass right? No? Ok fine. Then at least shut up about your stupid diets jerks.

Hey, so subscribe by email right here. You'll know when I post and you will be ahead of all of your friends. Also, look over there on the right. Like my page and follow me on Twitter. You have nothing better to do.

Leave a comment