Here’s a real text I sent my girlfriend:
Jess: Hey hun do you want this leftover beef and cauliflower or do you want steak for dinner?
Me: Leftovers is cool lol
WHAT?!?! What in the blue hell did I just say? Leftovers are cool, laugh out loud? Why am I laughing out loud? What is so funny about leftover food? Back in the day I used to use ‘Haha’ instead of LOL because I was too cool to use school girl acronyms. Now I use LOL like it’s a fucking period. Jesus Christ what happened to me?
Acronyms have always been a part of my life. I used to be in the Army so every other word was an acronym and we spoke a complex code that only soldiers knew. After BCT and AIT I was 11B and we ate MREs when we were in the FOB during FTX. I had BAH and BAS and passed my APFT and shopped at AAFES. (See??) So you’d think that I’d be tired of this shit by now but noooooo. I use LOL every day and now it’s gotten to the point that I sound like Rachel McAdams in Mean Girls.
Now, I’m old enough to know that I shouldn’t be using LOL. I used LOL when I was in an America Online chatroom with my awesome nickname tribaltattooedstud69. I know it’s ran its course and shouldn’t be used again. But kids… oh God the kids… They are using silly acronyms and shorthand like vowels and consonants are in short supply. What the fuck is a bae by the way? A beau? A babe? A soon to be ex? (If you guessed the third one you are correct because anyone that uses bae deserves to be single.) Have you seen some of these texts that teens send? I can’t read half of it. You basically need Jean-François Champollion to understand texts from teens. (That one is way over your head, I know. Just Google it for a laugh, ok?)
The more I think of it, the instances when I use LOL and I’m actually even the slightest bit amused are few and far between. I’m not laughing out loud, I am not even smirking. So I decided I will no longer use LOL. It’s forbidden.. forboden?.. forbidden from my vocabulary from here on out. No more shutting up a friend and ending a text conversation by simply texting LOL. No more pretending something is funny when it’s not. No more texting LOL to my boss when he asks if I’m late because I’m hung over again. Spoiler alert, I am and it’s not funny, it’s a problem.
Join me fellow readers in a quest. A quest for peace. A quest to eliminate LOL once and for all. I guess it’s fate that today is the Fourth of July August 11 because we are once again fighting for our freedom… Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution, but from annihilation using LOL. We are fighting for our right to live. To exist. And should we win the day,
the Fourth of July August 11 will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day the world declared in one voice: “We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight! We’re going to live on! We’re going to survive.” Today we celebrate our Independence Day (From LOL)!!!
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Filed under: Humor