I don’t want to frighten anyone but we probably only have like 3 months to live. Last week, some smart person decided it would be a fantastic fucking idea to bring over an Ebola patient from Africa to the United States. Right now he’s chilling in Georgia, drinking sweet tea, and playing the fiddle. (Sorry Georgians, that’s all I know about you guys.) Now, I’ve seen enough apocalypse movies to know that this is how it starts. So, instead of sitting back and watching the destruction of man-kind, I have decided to get proactive. So this is the PSA I am issuing to America– a little FYI of sorts. You can thank me later when I become the President or King or whatever. (I prefer Ruler but I don’t want to argue about that now.)
1. Seek the two C’s. When the going gets tough, the tough get free samples. The first thing we need to do is panic. The second thing we need to do is take refuge in a Costco or a Cabela's. I prefer Cabela’s for the stockpile of guns and ammo, but they only have beef jerky and maybe some of those awesome cinnamon pistachios for food. Costco has enough food and water to last a fortnight or two. Plus, TVs, books, and hotdogs. The trick is, is to have one group of survivors in each of the stores. That way, you have the best of two worlds. Exchange a rifle or two for a 60 pack of Twizzlers. It’s win/win folks.
2. Surround yourself with the right people. This is apocalypse 101 but it’s best to surround yourself with people that can help you survive. Many people believe that you should have some sort of Army Ranger or Seal Team 6 guy with you but they are bossy and have killer beards and abs. No one likes that kind of guy. Instead, surround yourself with moms. Yes, moms. They always carry diaper bags filled with gummy candy and Cheeze-Its and they also have the strength of ten men when their children are in harm’s way.
3. Avoid the sex. The Ebola virus isn’t airborne and the only way to catch it is to ingest bodily fluids or get bitten by a monkey or a fruit bat or something. (These are facts.) So, no sex. Yes, a vow of celibacy is what it takes to survive this. And seriously, why are you having sex anyways during an apocalypse. (No matter how tempting it may be to fornicate on a stuffed polar bear at Cabela’s.)For fuck’s sake you hornballs. No spitting (phrasing) crying, or bleeding either. If one of your group gets cut while they surf around the Costco on a Roomba, you need to get rid of the problem. Suffocating them with a giant teddy bear is a fun way to die.
4. Avoid humans. After you run out of food and water it’s time to take to the streets. Hopefully many people are already dead and aren’t reincarnating. That’s zombies, not Ebola. Still, zombie rule 67 is a good example of what happens to humans during these sorts of things. Humans, who are already assholes, turn into bigger assholes. They will rape, maim, or kill anyone in your group for something as small as a Tic Tac. So the course of action is to avoid all humans. Take what you stole from Cabela’s and camp. I know camping sucks, but finding a nice spot in the middle of a forest is better than finding a nice spot in a mall filled with cannibals. Plus you can pretend you are Naked and Afraid and lose like 45 pounds in 21 days
5. Shoot to Kill. You can no longer value human life outside of your group. Everyone and anyone is a threat and should be treated as one. Oh you see your Nana with another group? Shoot to kill. No exceptions. She could be infected or she could tell you a long boring story about the hit Fox show Bones. Either way, you win.
6. The final rule to surviving the Ebola plague is the easiest one. DON’T BRING A FUCKING EBOLA PATIENT TO THE UNITED STATES YOU MORONS!
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