The Year? 1990. A nine year-old Tim is seen biking around the neighborhood on his badass Haro BMX sporting a New Kids on the Block rat tail while wearing some Batman cut off shorts and a Bart Simpson t-shirt. He’s a cool kid, gets decent grades, is a bit of a class clown and those grade school ladies love him (True story… you know it is.) Tim is racing back home though because on this nippy March eve his mom promised him that they would finally go see the live action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. Cowabunga, bitches.
I still remember that day pretty clearly. The beginning credits had a salute to the recently deceased Jim Henson. People in the audience clapped and cheered for him. From the first reveal of Raphael in that trench coat to the climatic battle with Shredder I was in 9 year-old heaven. That movie had me wide eyed and grinning from ear to ear as my number one favorite cartoon as a kid had come to life before my eyes. Life was good.
Cut to 2014 and there is an abortion of mass proportions happening before my eyes. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have been ‘upgraded’ for a new generation. They are now gigantic Hulking beasts and can ram Humvees. My childhood heroes have been given the Michael Bay treatment and the explosions are the center of attention. Donny, Mikey, Raph, and Leo are shells of their former selves. (Get it?!?! I fucking laughed typing that)
Why Hollywood? WHY?!? Why do you remake things? Are you completely out of ideas? I have tons of them in this hamster wheel I call a brain. Don’t believe me? - A guy wakes up and all food has been replaced with only breakfast foods and Chipotle. I call it, “It’s a Wonderful Life”. Don’t steal that title.- Or... or... A hard nosed cop arrives at the scene of a murder. A farmer is brutally killed. The only witness? A pig. The two must team up to catch the killer. I call it: "Here Comes the Bacon." (You're welcome.)
How hard can it be to make something completely original? Guardians of the Galaxy came out and that did fucking phenomenal. Sure it was yet another super hero movie but at least it was original. When is enough enough? When are you going to stop ruining childhoods? My sister loved the original Nightmare on Elm Street. What did this new one do? Made her sleep better. Halloween? Friday the 13th? Pretty much every horror movie ever? That Marky Mark Planet of the Apes? Don’t get me started on that travesty. The Pink Panther with Steve Martin? No. How about that 1998 Godzilla movie with Ferris Bueller? Total Recall? Robocop? There are hundreds of remakes that are 100 percent worse than the originals.
Here is a list of movies that are in preproduction in 2014:
All of these are real life movies that are getting remade. Why? Why does this need to happen? Why do we need a new action packed Goonies for a new generation? How could they possibly make Point Break better when Keanu Reeves should have won an Oscar for that performance? That is fucking timeless. We can go to the originals if we want to be nostalgic. We don’t need Will Smith’s kid fucking everything up.
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Filed under: Humor