Even though the Chicago Tribune has repeatedly told me that I am “unhireable” and “a threat to myself and others” I still love them because I get to write this silly blog and on occasion have my Clark Kent/Lois Lane role play fantasy come true because I made it to the front of their webpage. You guys probably don’t want to hear about that sex fantasy even though my girlfriend yelling at me for being faster than a speeding bullet is probably enticing. The Tribune is usually too busy covering all of the shootings on the Southside to have any heart-warming feel-good stories but yesterday they made an exception. Yesterday they posted about a job opportunity with Netflix. As a serial watcher.
“Netflix is hiring a “tagger” to be based in the U.K. that will be tasked with watching movies and TV shows, describing them and adding keywords to enhance the streaming service’s recommendations. The person hired will work in concert with algorithms already designed to pick shows based on a watcher’s viewing history.
The candidate will work flexible hours from home, according to the job posting. A degree in film or experience in the film industry or criticism is desired. “
What the actual fuck!?!? A mother fucking serial watcher! This is my dream job. It is a job that is tailor made for me. My qualifications? I’m lazy. I like movies. I like tagging things. I can live in the UK and drink tea and talk funny. I’ve been practicing that accent for years because when I get rich and famous I inevitably have to sell out and talk like that anyway just like Madonna. Netflix, this is my plea to you: You need to hire me for this job. Here are just 5 reasons:
1. You were my relationship status on Facebook for a good year. I even invented a new sex position named "The Netflix". You're by yourself and it involves your hand.... I'm not proud of that.
2. I have a 140.6 bumper sticker on the back of my car. Not because I ran a triathlon mind you, but because of how many hours in a row I watched Futurama.
3. I love you so much that only two of my friends are allowed to use my log-in. It could be way more.
4. I’ve had to sit through hours of Nickelodeon kids shows just to change my “recommendations for you” page to something appropriate if my mom ever came over and watched it.
5. Your app has literally given up asking me, “Are you still there?” It threw in the fucking towel.
Netflix, consider this my application. I expect a response no later than Friday as I'm putting my two weeks in today so I really need a paycheck. Also, if you look for me on LinkedIn I’m not there because LinkedIn is stupid. That is all.
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