Your Fascination With Celebrities is Dumb

Your Fascination With Celebrities is Dumb

“I’m a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast foods.” – Ron Swanson Tim Falletti

I like to think that the above quote is my life motto. It doesn’t take a whole lot to keep me entertained or happy. I like physical exertion and sports. I like going outside. I like comic books and comic book related things. I of course love writing and comedy. I also enjoy laying on a couch and watching a movie or TV.

That’s where my enjoyment of Hollywood ends though. After watching an actor or actress who just took me to a magical world, I instantly forget about said Hollywood star. I go about the rest of my day and worry about important things like Bigfoot’s whereabouts, memorizing the mystery lyrics to Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, and chimpanzees in human clothes. (It’s like no one has ever seen Planet of the Apes… We’re playing with fire people.)

Do you want to get Caesar-ed? Because this is how you get Caesar-ed.

Do you want to get Caesar-ed? Because this is how you get Caesar-ed.

For others though, the fascination with celebrities is an everyday need. There are countless websites dedicated to celebrity gossip, hundreds of magazines detailing their very personal lives, radio shows,  insanely stupid reality shows following the lives of idiots, and even apps that send you up to the minute news. Do you want to know which of your favorite celebrities is on drugs? You can find out. Who is sleeping with whom? You can find out. I just saw a magazine that had a picture of the blonde dude from True Blood carrying a basket in a grocery store. The caption was, “Celebrities are just like us.” Mind = Blown.

Why is it that people have such a connection with these celebrities? Don’t get me wrong here, I love The Rock. He’s an amazing human being and if I was gay I met him… I would want to fuck him shake his hand. (Sorry Rock… You’re just so cool) I get that some of these people seem larger than life. Still though, why do you want to know about their shopping habits? Why do you need to see candid pictures of these people playing with their kids? And most importantly, why do you care? These people are put on a pedestal in which they do not deserve to stand on. Miley Cyrus? Justin Bieber? Angelina Jolie? We need to leave these poor women alone. These people have cameramen following them around EVERYWHERE. Trust me, you’d be bat shit crazy too if you couldn’t leave your house without a lense up your ass.

No fucking shit. Nick Nolte likes pool noodles. EVERY FUCKING BODY LOVES POOL NOODLES YOU FUCKS!

No fucking shit. Nick Nolte likes pool noodles. EVERY FUCKING BODY LOVES POOL NOODLES YOU FUCKS!

I read an article in the RedEye the other day and it was from the point of view of the best friend of a celebrity. This guy lives in Chicago and is stalked… STALKED.. every day.  Imagine walking outside and people are immediately asking you for autographs or are stealing your garbage. You’d be a reclusive prick too. We need to realize that celebrities… ugh… are just like us. (Thanks grocery baskets).  They are not special. They have more money, sure, but they aren’t special. Hell, celebrities might even think they are special but guess what? Just because you have enough money to be heard, it doesn't mean you should be. I'm talking to you Bono. After you find the missing plane or find the missing girls stop by my house, I'm still missing some socks and I'm pretty sure my dryer is a fucking dictator.

Let's stop celebrating celebrities and let’s start concerning ourselves with people that matter. If you knew as much about the candidates for governor as you know about Brad Pitt’s ball sack, we might be moving in a better direction. Ohhh wait, look! Carrie Underwood took a picture of herself without makeup, how brave. Move over police/fire fighters/first responders, we have a fucking hero here.

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