*SPOILER ALERT* I haven’t seen The Amazing Spider-Man 2 yet. I’ve had the Great Chicago Plague of 2014 for the last week and a half and I didn’t feel the need to infect a movie theatre like the monkey from Outbreak. Plus, I didn’t want to shell out 20 bucks and a second mortgage for corn kernels that taste yummy heated up for a movie in which I already knew the end to. How exactly do I know how a movie that had been out for 24 hours ends you might ask? Simple, I read the source material 20 years ago then carefully put it back on its board and into some plastic as gently as I could. PS, that comic is worth about a grand now. Suck it 5th grade teacher Mrs. Buckovski who said I was wasting my time “reading that stuff”. Suck. It.
I loved Spider-Man growing up because we had so much in common. We were both young, we were sort of nerds, we slung white stuff all over the house…we both had sticky hands after…. So when I heard the new movie was kind of sort of based off of The Amazing Spider-Man #121, I was stoked. It’s a freaking masterpiece of storytelling by Gerry Conway. *SPOILER ALERT* Gwen Stacy, Spider-Man’s main squeeze, is thrown from the Brooklyn Bridge by the Green Goblin. Our friendly neighborhood Spider-Man catches her with his web, but the whiplash kills her. Spider-Man, in a fit of rage, beats the shit out the Green Goblin but can’t bring himself to kill him. The Green Goblin then tries to counter with his glider, but Spidey dodges it only to have the glider impale good ol’ Gobby. Great stuff, folks.
So yeah, I know that Emma Stone will meet her untimely demise in this movie. It’s essential to the character of Spider-Man that she does. Still, I would never spoil that with status updates on Facebook like, “Oh shit! I can’t believe they killed the Easy A chick!” I mean, with great power comes great responsibility, right? The backlash to those updates were funny mind you, but the movie had only been out 24 hours. Yet I was conflicted because the source material is 40 years old. Which brings me to my point: What is the proper amount of time for spoilers?
I am filled with useless knowledge from graphic novels. I’m pretty sure I know what Terminus actually is Walking Dead fans. I also know who meets their graphic demise at the end of a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire. Those comics have been out a while now, is it cool for me to tell you? You see, to me, this is common knowledge. To me, this is like “spoiling” the ending of Titanic. *SPOILER ALERT* the ship fucking sinks.
So what is it internet? Is it a week? *SPOILER ALERT* The little kid from Heaven is for Real didn’t really see God. He was tripping balls on anesthetic. Is it a months? *SPOILER ALERT* Walter White dies. Is it years?? *SPOILER ALERT* Darth Vader is Luke and Leia’s dad. Shit, do we reserve spoilers for mass media or can we use it in real life too? *SPOILER ALERT* There aren’t any hot sexy singles in your area that are ready to meet you. *SPOILER ALERT* Your dentist knows you don't brush enough or floss your skunk mouth. *SPOILER ALERT* If your car literally has a spoiler, you’re a douche.
So there. Let’s figure out a system in which spoiling things with spoilers isn’t spoilery. *SPOILER ALERT* That last sentence didn’t make fucking sense.
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