ESPN Doesn't Care About Hockey

ESPN Doesn't Care About Hockey

The National Hockey League’s inaugural season was in 1917. Woodrow Wilson was president, America trained hard, ate her vitamins and said her prayers and entered World War I, and a baby Ernest Borgnine was born. Since 1917 so much has changed. We repeated and won back-to-back titles after World War II, Kate Beckinsale was born and wore body hugging leather in not 1, not 2, but 3 movies, and you fellow readers have phones that take pictures of your junk. Still, one thing that hasn’t changed since 1917 is the amount of coverage ESPN gives hockey.  0 minutes, 0 seconds. It's pretty safe to say in my best Kanye impersonation: ESPN doesn't care about black people hockey.

I woke up this morning to catch some Blackhawks highlights from yesterday only to turn on ESPN to sit through story after story of un-hockey related topics. Do I care that Ron Jeremy, a porn star, is now the coach of the Detroit Pistons? No, of course not. I don’t give a fuck about Detroit unless it is Robo or Cop related why the hell would I care about their shitty basketball team? Do I care about the St. Louis Cardinals’ woes this season? I mean, it makes me happy that our neighbors to the south are the only team the Cubs can beat this year but no, I don’t want to sit through a five minute story about them. Hell, do I care about a horse that may or may not race because it might have to use Breathe-Right Nasal Strips? ESPN seems to think I fucking care more about this God damned horse’s sleep apnea than hockey. ESPN, you’re wrong.

Ron Jeremy is the new Pistons coach

Ron Jeremy is the new Pistons coach

I’m not trying to sound like a whiny little bitch here, but what the hell ESPN? You devote 80 percent of your broadcast to basketball, 5 percent to baseball, 5 percent to off-season football, and the other 10 percent to still pictures of UFC fights, horses, softball(??), and NASCAR. Let me say one thing about NASCAR: It’s not a fucking sport and no one will ever be able to convince me otherwise. Congratulations, you can drive in a circle. In no way shape or form are you exerting effort to do so. If NASCAR is a sport then sitting in traffic on the Kennedy should be a fucking Olympic event.

Chicago, Los Angeles, New York, and Montreal are in the conference finals for hockey. Those are all huge markets. Well, Montreal doesn’t count because they have Tim Horton’s and speak French but still. There should be no reason that ESPN  couldn't spend at least 5 minutes out of their hour long broadcast to cover hockey. Is basketball still that popular? I thought people gave up on it when they realized it was a fixed sport and the refs are basically just there to determine the outcome. Oh, that’s news to you? There’s no way Lebron James, a mountain of a man, can fall down that many times during one quarter of basketball. He flops so hard, Adam Sandler and John Travolta feel good about their movies.

No one is going to see this Sandler. Give us Happy Gilmore 2 for fuck's sake.

No one is going to see this Sandler. Give us Happy Gilmore 2 for fuck's sake.

So what is it ESPN? Is hockey that much of a die-hard sport? Is hockey not making more money now than it ever has in the history of ever? Is it because hockey is predominantly viewed by Caucasians and ESPN doesn’t want to seem racist? (Yeah I brought race into this, so what?) There has to be a reason why a huge company like ESPN/Disney hates hockey.  I’m guessing it’s because every other sport is not as physically demanding, fun to watch, exciting, and has unbelievable sportsmanship.

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