15 Dollars an Hour. Fast Food Workers Want It Their Way.

15 Dollars an Hour. Fast Food Workers Want It Their Way.

The Declaration of Independence clearly states that all men have certain inalienable rights. Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Throughout America’s history these inalienable rights have come into question a time or two. You have your feminist movement. You have your civil rights movement. I hope we’re in the middle of a LGBT movement. And now, probably the most important of all movements, you have your fast food employee movement.

You see, fast food employees believe that they deserve 15 dollars an hour along with benefits to do their incredibly difficult jobs. They have a dream… They have a dream ladies and gentlemen, that standing over a cash register with picture buttons on them will net them 30 grand a year. Do you want a chicken sandwich? They have to find the cartoon chicken, press the button, and much like your See-and-Speak toy from kindergarten, the chicken will bawk so they know they pressed the right one. That is tough.


Line “chefs” have a dream that reading a screen that says exactly how an order is supposed to go should be compensated fairly. Never mind the fact that real chefs who went to culinary school are struggling to find 15 dollar an hour jobs. These mavericks of McNuggets have a dream and a voice, dammit.  They are screaming from the mountain tops! They have a dream!!

Well guess what? Keep. Fucking. Dreaming. I want to put something in perspective for anyone that is reading this who might be working at McDonald’s: A Private E1 in the United States Military makes a whopping 18 thousand dollars a year. What makes you even think that your job deserves to make more than that? Who was the complete idiot that put these thoughts in your head? I read in the Tribune (Hey guys!) that a woman said, “We hope that McDonald’s realizes that, you know, we’re not replaceable.” Hey 22 year-old single mom Adriana Alvarez…. spoiler alert… if a Transformer-sized robot can replace a heart surgeon, a Roomba can replace you.

Fast food restaurants are supposed to be a gateway to other careers. Much like grade school, you learn the basics at McDonald’s. You learn the importance of attendance and punctuality, you learn the value of the dollar, and you learn that your boss is always going to be a dick. You suck it up, you greet everyone with a smile, and put delicious fatty goodness in a bag. After a few months of that, you learned a skill and you leave for bigger and better things. You’re not supposed to work at McDonald’s for ten years. That’s not the way it goes.

Now you might say, “But Tim, this is the only job I’m qualified for because I suck at life and don’t have any real skills.” Guess what? Tough shit. You don’t strike and demand 15 dollars an hour because you were too lazy to go to school or learn a trade. Listen, you made some EuroDisney-esque life choices, I get it. You were raised in a shitty environment and didn’t go to a good school. You know who else was raised in a shitty environment and didn’t go to a good school? Jesus. And people love that dude.

There are literally thousands of people who are working in an office who are indebted 30 grand worth of student loans and they're making $12.50. Yet you still want 15? The bottom line is, is that life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness is being provided for you. You just don’t want to pursue it. Get the fuck out of here with your 15 dollars an hour and don’t forget my fries.


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