I hate being sick, yet here I am trying to get over this nasty bug. According to statistics, 1 billion men and 14 women will get the cold this year. Sinus congestion, coughing, sore throat, and achy joints will inevitably claim most men while women will look on with smiles on their faces. I sat down with Dr. Acula from Sacred Heart Hospital and discussed the top 5 ways a guy like me can get over a cold fast.
5. Over-the-counter cold medicines
Browsing the aisles at your local pharmacy might be a daunting task when you’re a man like me. There are so many options and everything claims to do the exact same thing. “Go with the least expensive nasal decongestant and maybe the DayQuil knock off,” says Dr. Acula. “That way your cold lasts longer than you want and you can milk it on the couch for a few extra days. If you have a cough, buy the Robitussin DM because it tastes like Charles Barkley’s asshole.”
“When big, strong men are sick, we should complain,” says Dr, Acula. “Women don’t get colds as strong as men do therefore they have no idea what we go through. Tell your girlfriend or wife that you are dying once every seventeen seconds in order to really let her know how bad you are. It’s perfectly normal to be a baby as much as possible as her maternal instinct should kick in and she should start to take care of you. Bonus if you can get her to rub your back.”
3. Watch whatever you want on the big screen.
“Most women don’t understand that you simply need to watch things like WWE, Roadhouse, Point Break, and Die Hard over and over again. The healing qualities from the testosterone emitted from these programs is immeasurable. You can give your immune system some support if in your whiniest voice say, “Baaaabe…. Can you hand me the remote plllleaaaseee?” as well. I have found that any movie with the Rock, especially The Rundown and Walking Tall are perfect for colds.”
2. Exercise to keep colds away
“Most women don’t know this, but any kind of physical exertion on their part is good for men,” Dr. Acula continues, “A recent study in the British Journal of Colds and Flus says that watching a woman make you dinner, do your laundry, and give you surprise fellatio is critical in keeping colds away.”
1. Complain some more.
“I think women don’t know the severity of the man cold,” Dr. Acula explains. “The man cold is serious, and deadly. Complaining is a healthy way to get over major symptoms. Your partner should be on the verge of murdering you if you’re sick. If she is not, then complain more. It’s really that simple.”
This report was made possible by the generous support of the Ittellaf Community Foundation through a grant for “Know Your Disease: The Man Cold.” Dr. Acula has doctorate degrees from LeStat University and Lugosi International School for the Gifted.
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